Friday, January 1, 2010

Happy New Year!

2010? Wow! A brand new year. Filled with hope, promise and a certain level of excitement. I'm not fully sure why I always feel like I've been given a second chance. It feels like the slate is clean again. Maybe this year will be different. This could be the year that I finally ..... (fill in the blank). In my case the issue closest to my heart is weight loss. Before I continue, as you read this please pray for me. Sharing these issues is not easy for me at all! I also know I'm in the toughest battle of my life. I can't do it alone and firmly believe that the only way I'm going to have a breakthrough is through prayer. So, anytime I come to your mind please just take a moment.

My journey began in my childhood. I was always chubby and quickly became the fat girl of the class. The years passed and the pounds kept piling on. I have been on quite a variety of diets and exercise plans. I've never had the follow through to keep up with any of them. In 2003, reality hit me in the face like a Mack truck! I calculated my BMI (body mass index) and I was 44 which classified me as severely morbidly obese. Those words rang in my head over and over again. I knew I was fat, but obese? Not only obese but severely morbidly?!! WHAT?!!! How in the world did that happen? How had I gotten so out of control? Was I secretly hoping to die? I had always hidden behind my weight but I had never gotten lost in the process. Well, I was wrong I was completely lost and needed serious help. In July 2003 I had a gastric bypass. I was a size 26 and the day of my surgery I was 312 lbs.

I lost weight quickly and thought it would resolve all the emotional issues I had hidden. I really thought this was the answer to all my prayers. God had finally heard me and I'd receive peace! I believed that joy would finally come and be mine. By the time I reached my 1 year surgery anniversary I weighed 175 lbs. Unfortunately I didn't maintain that weight. I started gaining weight again because I had made weight loss my new god. As long as I was losing weight I had joy and fulfillment. My food intake was easy because the surgery had forced me to eat smart and eat less. Due to joint pain and many excuses I didn't exercise like I should have and didn't have lasting results.

Honestly, I had given up and I figured this was my true destiny. I'm glad to report that God never gives up on us! I'm sure that He spoke to me many times but on June 23, 2009 I was finally ready to listen. I woke up and had the thought "Get up and exercise". Anyone that knows me well knows this would have to be a God given thought! Yet, the thought wouldn't go away and I got up and used my stationary bike. Up until that point it had become a clothes hanger/dryer. I got on and felt like I was going to throw up and could barely do a mile. I ached all over and wondered why in the world I was purposely causing myself pain. The next day, the thought came again. For several months I was exercising about 4-6 times a week. I joined Ladies Workout Express and continued to feel motivated to MOVE.

Back in September I attended the MOPS International Convention in Nashville, TN. In the past Convention always meant a lot of walking and a LOT of pain. I consumed Tylenol like they were breath mints. However, this time was completely different! I was able to walk and not get out of breath. A few times I opted to use the stairs instead of the elevator. I was beginning to feel a bit more energy. My clothes were feeling a bit better and my smile was a bit bigger. I honestly wish I could say I had mastered the beast of lethargy, overeating and depression. At that time I had just scraped the surface. I didn't realize that I had so many hidden issues buried within my heart. I always knew that I'm an emotional eater but I didn't realize what triggers me. In October I could feel depression kicking in but I didn't have the tools to stop it. This coincided with my having opportunities to share my life story at Hearts in Touch and at a MOPS group. My biggest enemy was and is silence which is why I'm opening up now. I want to expose my struggles, fears, and needs. I have proven time and time again that I can't do this alone! I still don't have a grasp on what my emotional triggers are but I'm willing to work on finding out.

I'm getting a bit better at exercising but my frustration continues to grow. The scale has not moved much since June. I started at 236 lbs and now weigh 229 lbs. I was on some medications and that was part of the cause. Now that I now longer take that medicine I was hoping to see some weight loss and I haven't yet. It is very difficult to continue on the journey which seems to have no rewards. Thankfully, Cristina and Victoria have supported me since Day 1. They constantly ask me to exercise, or they will bring me another glass of water, or smile if I reach for a piece of candy. Sometimes they will even exercise with me and cheer me on. I am very grateful for them!

I happened to hear David Venable, a QVC host, say "Throw out your New Year's resolutions and let us stop focusing on what we have to lose and focus on what we have to gain this year." I have no idea what he was promoting but his words struck me! I want to focus on what God has in store for me and all that He wants me to gain through this process.

4 comments:

Amy Gilbaugh said...

I identify so thoroughly with your story, friend. Emotional junk runs deep and painful. Thanks for sharing! :)

Susan Dailey said...

What a beautiful expression of the process of changing and growing. Keep sharing! Your story strengthens our faith in God always looking upon us with gracious favor and working all things for our ultimate good.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your story. I, too, have tried many different diets...to no avail. I'd like to start moving and keep moving! Maybe we can be an encouragement to one another! Blessings and ((hugs)). :o)

Prachar family said...

Hey girl, catching up tonight and missing you like crazy. Please know I am privileged to pray for you daily! Lots of love!

I also committed to move starting in October and have had so much more energy! Keep it up!