I was recently asked how I'm doing on my journey to health because "I look amazing!". I smiled politely at the comment but didn't really have a response. I don't feel amazing and when I look in the mirror 'amazing' is not a word I would use. As a matter of fact, partly due to illness and mostly due to choice I haven't gone to the gym in over 8 days. (I stopped counting at 6) Even though I'm not eating a lot I am not currently making good food choices. I am still skipping breakfast and eating late at night. I also seem to be developing a heart of indifference which scares me! Why have I lost heart? Mainly because I am tired! Being overweight is so much easier. You eat whatever you want, whenever you want it and you sit around a lot. How hard is that?! Oh and of course you make up a million excuses along the way. At least that is the way it has always been for me. That is the pattern that I am used to following. Now I have to decide what I eat, when I eat and how much to eat. I am trying to train myself to really think about my life choices. Well, this is an exhausting process!
I am also discovering things within myself that I don't care to see. I am not a true fighter, I am a quitter. I only say that because of my track record. When college got too difficult, due to health issues, I just gave up and assumed I couldn't do it. When friendships get complicated I tend to back off. If a cleaning job is too overwhelming then I just hope that someone else will see the mess and do it for me. If my marriage starts to "suck" (as I once described at a MOPS Convention) then I just let it. If my hips start to hurt, even slightly, then I will stop exercising. If diet and exercise begin to get too hard then I retreat within myself with my favorite companions - food and laziness. I also play my favorite game "The Blame Game" because it has to be someone else's fault. It has to be genetics, environment, my spouse, my hips, my upbringing. The list could go on forever because in the Blame Game there is no end and there is no winner. I'm sure I have said this before but this is currently where I am on my journey. It is not easy to see these flaws, yet, I am slowly learning something about myself. The longer I keep quiet about anything I am going through the stronger the desire to keep quiet. The more I try to hide then the more damage I do to myself.
So I am coming out of hiding! I clearly recognize the signs of depression within my heart and today is the day I choose to stop. I'm not going to fix everything that is currently tormenting me in one moment or with one prayer. My goal for today is simple - keep breathing. It may sound simple but in the midst of depression this is actually a very difficult task. It requires for me to see hope. It forces me to see the good within myself and those around me. It forces me to give up the right I think I have to blame everyone for my anxiety. It forces me to take responsibility for my own actions. With each breath is a choice to live, to trust, to love, and to allow myself to be loved. So, for today, I am going to keep on breathing!
