Thursday, August 16, 2012
I began by telling a few people my story. Sharing some weight loss victories and a few struggles with anyone willing to listen. I thought I was being transparent and I didn't think too much about it. I was getting fairly comfortable when everything changed dramatically. As if the occasional Facebook and Twitter posts weren't public enough I entered a Showdown Challenge. I need to make weekly videos of my transformation. Sharing victories, struggles, favorite shake recipe, day to day life while making it as real as possible. Now the true challenge begins!
I have come face to face with the fact that I'm a food addict. I have always been overweight so this really shouldn't be a big surprise. I am coming to realize that I am obsessive. I think about food all the time. I eat whenever I'm bored, frustrated, in a group, by myself or whenever something delicious is available. I could snack all day long. Sometimes I have found food wrappers by my bed and have no recollection of how they got there. A few times I've gone through one fast food drive through ordered a small meal and gone to a different location and done the same thing. By going to different locations and getting rid of the trash nobody can see how much I've eaten. I have fooled myself for years thinking that there are no real consequences. I really don't even know why I do it because it doesn't make sense to me. I have gotten sick from the amount of food I've eaten but that doesn't seem to stop me. I don't make myself throw up but the result and effect is the same.
Now through these video diaries the fear has crept up. What am I afraid of exactly? Everything! Are people judging me? Is the "food police" out there with guns drawn ready to make an arrest? Ok ok so I watch too many crime shows! Am I exercising enough? Will the scale reflect my efforts? How do I think thin? I have no idea what that looks or feels like so I can't embrace it in full. Even though I am losing weight I haven't hit that burst of energy that a lot of people talk about. Plus I find myself trying to sabotage my progress. I feel like a failure so I react like a failure.
Even though I am terrified I know this is what God has called me to do. God has been challenging me to be transparent. I am seeing physical results but I also have to work on the mental obstacles. I just didn't realize it would be so difficult so I am begging for your prayers. I can't do this alone and honestly I don't even want to try.