Monday, May 16, 2011

Sinking Ship

Time has gone by and medicines have changed but I'm not sure if I'm doing any better. Of course that is my perspective based on how I feel today. For a while I was doing great and feeling positive. But somehow in the last week I've been losing ground again. I correlate it to a sinking ship that I don't realize is truly sinking. I see a hole and try to patch it up. I see another burst of water and try to repair that hole as well. Instead of trying to get help or getting into another boat I just keep patching holes. I work and work and get nowhere. It is no wonder I'm tired.

The obvious question would be "Why don't you just get help?". Well, that is easier said than done. I'm not sure what I need help with or who to ask. I have a lot of friends that are willing to pitch in, but if I can't find a voice to the need within me then I'm unable to get help. Thankfully writing things down in my journal or blog do help quite a bit. Unfortunately I don't do it often enough. I still try to pretend and deceive myself in hopes that what I'm feeling isn't the truth. I still falsely believe that I should be over this by now. It has been several months so I should be able to move on. I've already been given the diagnosis, I'm receiving treatment and I'm on medication so what is taking so long?

One of the keys to keeping up hope is to think of what I would tell a friend. Would I be this hard on her? Would I give her no room to recover? Would I sit in judgement of her just because I don't understand? Would I lovingly sit by her side? Would I talk to her when she needed a friend? Would I be content to listen when she was silent? I need to treat myself as a friend. Plus one of the biggest keys is to keep in mind that my Best Friend knows my true needs before I ask and supplies for them each and every time! It isn't always easy to remember that but it is the Truth!