Sinking Ship

Time has gone by and medicines have changed but I'm not sure if I'm doing any better. Of course that is my perspective based on how I feel today. For a while I was doing great and feeling positive. But somehow in the last week I've been losing ground again. I correlate it to a sinking ship that I don't realize is truly sinking. I see a hole and try to patch it up. I see another burst of water and try to repair that hole as well. Instead of trying to get help or getting into another boat I just keep patching holes. I work and work and get nowhere. It is no wonder I'm tired.

The obvious question would be "Why don't you just get help?". Well, that is easier said than done. I'm not sure what I need help with or who to ask. I have a lot of friends that are willing to pitch in, but if I can't find a voice to the need within me then I'm unable to get help. Thankfully writing things down in my journal or blog do help quite a bit. Unfortunately I don't do it often enough. I still try to pretend and deceive myself in hopes that what I'm feeling isn't the truth. I still falsely believe that I should be over this by now. It has been several months so I should be able to move on. I've already been given the diagnosis, I'm receiving treatment and I'm on medication so what is taking so long?

One of the keys to keeping up hope is to think of what I would tell a friend. Would I be this hard on her? Would I give her no room to recover? Would I sit in judgement of her just because I don't understand? Would I lovingly sit by her side? Would I talk to her when she needed a friend? Would I be content to listen when she was silent? I need to treat myself as a friend. Plus one of the biggest keys is to keep in mind that my Best Friend knows my true needs before I ask and supplies for them each and every time! It isn't always easy to remember that but it is the Truth!

Last year I began my "Journey to Health" blog thinking it would be about my weight loss journey. I never would have guessed it would have included my journey to mental health and stability. I believed I would share my struggles regarding diet and exercise. I never would have chosen this change in direction. There are many times when I am embarrassed to share my weaknesses. I'm still deathly afraid of people's opinions. What if someone doesn't like what I have to say? What if they reject me because of it? Yet, at the same time I have not much left to lose. At any time if you have any questions feel free to bring them on. I'd rather be transparent and free to tell the truth than be afraid and hiding from it.

As for my weight loss not too much has changed. It has been frustrating but at least I have maintained my weight. Some clothes are looser than they were last year. Some days I have more stamina. Yet, overall, I haven't even thought of giving up which is surprising. I'm still trying to exercise but I admit I'd rather watch TV instead!

For this next year I predict that the current God whisper is "balance". I never realized how much of an extremist I am. I live on both sides of the scale. It doesn't matter if I'm referring to my mood, weight, exercise, thought life, Bible reading or any other basic life decision. For example, I'm either cleaning like crazy and irritated when I can't finish or I just sit and stare at the piles. I've gone weeks exercising every day only to go weeks without even thinking about it. There are times when I can't get enough of my Bible and there are other times when I can't even find it. Living on the extremes is exhausting! It wears me out physically, mentally and emotionally. So I think God is trying to get my attention by using the recent events of my life. Speaking to my heart through various people and situations that I need "balance". Even my WiiFit instructor tells me the same thing! How do I achieve it though? I honestly have no idea! I guess it is a learning process just like anything else. One step, one moment, even one breath at a time!

Clean Sweep!

When we had cable "Clean Sweep" was one show that I loved watching. I was always amazed at how much clutter people could accumulate. I always scoffed at how some people struggled to throw things away. It is just stuff so what is the big deal? Well, today I got a taste of my own judgmental medicine. I had four fabulous friends help me do a mini clean sweep of my home. In fast forward mode they sorted piles and hauled out trash. Every time they asked me where something went or what purpose it had all I kept thinking is "I want to keep it even if I don't know what it is right now." Thankfully they didn't let me keep too much. The whole point was to declutter not to justify my clutter. I just wish the process would go a lot faster because I am really tired.

I feel the same in the spiritual sense. I have so much emotional baggage and scars. I don't even know what they are from but I want to hang on to them. Why? Well...I don't know, but they've been with me for so long it seems scary to let them go. What if the issues that I hang onto somehow define me. If I get rid of them then who am I really? Who am I becoming? Who do I want to become? God is currently transforming me but the process is so painful at times. I am still being so impatient. I'm tired of anxiety, tears, and feeling afraid for no good reason. Yet I'm also scared to be healthy.

I feel like a walking contradiction. I want a clean home but I don't want to go through the work of sorting through things. I want a clean heart and sound mind but I don't want God to remove any old idols, hurts, or sin. I want the easy way out but that is obviously not possible. However, I am so thankful for my friends...my sisters....that are helping me see that the purging process is only a season. The clean calm home and heart is just around the corner. I just got to keep going one step at a time. I'll get there and will be so glad I didn't quit!

I'm Overwhelmed - Part II

Tonight my emotions betray me. I know the truth of God which says that I'm victorious, healed, and whole. Yet my heart still aches and cries out. There is a part of me that wants to go back to the hospital. That lonely, isolated, artificial environment seems so much easier. Daily tasks seem so complicated to me. Sometimes my daughters will ask a simple question but I have trouble formulating a response. The words come out but there is no real emotion behind them. I still feel rather vacant inside. It isn't that I don't have any emotions at all. It just seems that I have a lot all at the same time then there is none left.

The reality of a diagnosis seems far heavier than the liberty God provides. I'm having flashbacks to some of the things I witnessed while in the hospital. My body is on high alert and anxiety pulses through every nerve. I'm even contemplating applying for disability so that I am able to lessen the financial burden. I was reading through the FAQs regarding the application process. One site said that "a person is considered disabled when they have a severe impairment that has lasted, or is projected to last, twelve months." I freaked out when I saw that and I'm not totally sure why. I know part of the reason is my pride. I don't want this to continue. Yet there is a part of me that does! No wonder my body is in turmoil. I am actually afraid to get better. Why?? Well, because right now I'm clinging to the Word, my family and friends. As I get better will I begin to let go of that lifeline? How many people are too busy for the Word? How many are so stressed out and busy they forget about spending time with family? Am I going to be like that too? I was before all this happened so have I really changed? I hope so but in the meantime I feel very overwhelmed.

Somehow I still hang on to the hope that God is using this too for His glory. He has already shown me countless times that He is with me. I suppose I shouldn't see the struggle as failure but rather just some rocky terrain on the healing journey.

I'm overwhelmed!

"How are you doing?"

Hmmm....one would think this would have an easy answer. It is obvious to me that lately I just don't even know how to answer it. If I give too many details I don't want people to think I just want to hear "Wow! Marcie you are amazing!" Although I obviously love praise I truly want God to get the glory and not myself. However, if I don't share details I feel fake. I don't want to just go around saying "I'm fine", when I'm not. How many of us use that simple answer meanwhile our heart is broken inside? I want to be totally transparent before God and those around me. I know I'm not alone in this struggle and if my pain can help even one person then it is worth it. So, if you are willing sit back....get yourself some coffee (yep that's my new addiction!) and settle in for story time. May God bless you for being supportive and for praying for me.


Depression...seems so simple. A sad mood or a sad feeling. Well in my case it was an oppression of the spirit. It almost felt like a tangible force holding me down. No matter what good thoughts I tried to focus on I couldn't shake the hopelessness. I could see myself slipping away but not really caring to do anything about it. I know for a fact that if I had reached out to one person I could have gotten help a lot sooner. For some reason I was convinced that I was stronger than my emotions. After all I had been a MOPS leader, a Bible study teacher and a prayer warrior. I even had memorized some Scripture and went to church regularly. I had it all together, right? LOL I don't know if I thought I had it all together I just knew I didn't want to bother anyone. Most of my friends lead such busy lives. Surely they wouldn't have time to hear me whine and complain about my petty problems. My life struggles seemed so meaningless and insignificant.

On Monday, November 30th, I could feel that something wasn't right. I thought I could shake it and "get over it". That night Michael had to go out and I don't even remember why. The girls were tucked into bed (I think) and I was going to take my sleep aid medicine. The pills spilled into my hand and I just stared at them. I counted 20 pills and the thought lingered "How many pills would it take for me to go to sleep for a while?" I didn't want to die but I just wanted to go away. I wanted sleep. I wanted to hide. I wanted peace of mind and heart! Thankfully, Michael found me as I was crying. I assured him that I was fine. Yes...I lied!

On Tuesday, December 1st, I was in worse shape. I don't remember eating anything. I don't remember feeding the girls. I was dressed but don't remember doing it. The whole day I was in a dark cloud. The moment of truth came when I didn't want to be around my girls anymore. At that time my marriage was heading down a very dark and destructive path. I had always said that if it came down to it the girls and I would go to TX to be with my sister. Well that day I didn't even care if Michael kept the girls. Actually I knew they'd be better off with him. Yet, I still thought this mood would pass. I called my doctor hoping that I just needed some more antidepressants. Well after quite a few phone calls I went to see my doctor's associate. He recommended an ER visit. I was numb! I didn't need an ER visit I needed more medicine. I was still in control, right? After an ER visit they recommended a stay at a facility in W. Burlington. I couldn't believe it!! How did things get so out of control?!

In the hospital I was so angry. I felt completely betrayed. The first day I didn't stop crying all day. I was completely miserable. I had lost my children, my husband, my friends, my job, my reputation, and obviously my mind. I had nothing left. Yet somehow God met me there! Oh I wish I was more eloquent to share just how I felt the hand of God healing my heart. I borrowed a Bible and began reading and reading. Scripture after Scripture JUMPED off of the page. I was able to take communion and I can honestly say I have never tasted such sweet bread and juice. God took my broken heart, my sin, my illness and wrapped himself around me very gently. He just accepted me and it was amazing! After that amazing experience God gave me peace in the ugliest place I've ever been. Despite the other patients, the lack of color, the lock down facility, the lack of freedom, and lack of regular contact with my friends and family, God still gave me peace. Nurses asked me what I was doing because I seemed so different. I don't know a lot of Bible history. I don't have a lot of Scripture memorized. I don't understand why sometimes the Bible seems confusing and outdated. All I could say is a simple message "God is real and Jesus loves me...and you".

Now I'm crying all the time because I'm so overwhelmed with God's outpouring of love and blessings. In a short time He has performed miracle after miracle. There is no logical explanation for the heart surgery that has occurred in me. I have discovered I have more friends than I even knew I had! My support network had doubled in size. I'm also realizing I'm not alone in the pain. Woman after woman has shared from their heart. They've struggled in similar areas and now we can lock arms and fight together.

Just as you know there is a LOT more to this story but in writing I'm only willing to share so much. Feel free to call or stop by and visit and I can fill you in on the rest. God is good and I'd love to tell you about Him! After all, God is real and Jesus loves YOU!

Babysitter needed

Well, yesterday was very difficult for me. I don't know what caused it! I just had massive anxiety. My dear friend, Krista, prayed for me over the phone and that helped a LOT. I put on some good music and that calmed me. My hands were very jittery and I kept pacing. The only good thing that is coming from that is that I've already lost four pounds! Unfortunately, I made the mistake of taking my bedtime medicine a bit early and it knocked me out!! Michael wasn't home and the girls had to care for me. It scares me because I'm not sure if they got themselves into bed or if Michael did it.

I'm trying not to be impatient with my recovery but it isn't working. I'm frustrated that I'm not ALL better right NOW! So, if anyone has an hour or two to kill during the day and wants to come over or has time for a quick phone call feel free. Apparently I am in need of a babysitter for myself not the girls. My beautiful nurse, Becky, reminded me daily to ask for what I need. Not necessarily what I want...but what I need. So I'm asking :)

Broken beyond repair?

Thank you for your prayers. God is still in the miracle working business! I have gone through a DEEP depression and am out more victorious than ever! Is the journey over? Am I done struggling? I doubt it because I'm not dead yet! As long as I'm living on this earth I have an enemy that would like nothing more than to steal, kill or destroy me. The victories that God is bringing about I'm sure are making the enemy very unhappy.

I was recently hospitalized for depression. It was a "beautiful" facility in West Burlington, IA. I just re-read that in October I had wanted to be hospitalized. I was crying out for help even then. Yet God's timing is PERFECT! Even though I know that His best is not to send me to the hospital He has used this situation for His glory! I hesitate sharing details only because I'm still emotionally raw from the experience. I want to have clarity of speech but I'm sure details will pour forth soon. All I can say is that God is real and that Jesus loves me (and YOU!). The message is simple yet so profound.

If you want to know the details now and can't wait for the next blog entry just let me know. I'll be glad to share but I'd prefer to do it in person if possible. God continues to hold me and I hope that *I* have finally learned to not let go of Him!!! After all right now I am broken...but not broken beyond repair. If anything I'm finally fixable and victorious. Like a skilled surgeon God had to make a deep cut so that He could get to the source of the disease within my heart. I'm still a bit shaken from the whole experience but looking forward to see what God does next!

You NEVER Let Go!

When I began this blog my initial purpose was to record my weight loss. I wanted to be accountable. I also admit that I wanted the praise and words of encouragement. I had no idea that this journey would take me so much further than I ever wanted to go!

For many months, maybe even years, I have felt sick, forgotten and lost. I seriously contemplated checking into a hospital because I felt like I was losing my mind. I was identifying with social and leadership positions. Finding my hope and worth in the roles I had in MOPS, church and at the girls' school. As long as someone admired me then I felt I had some value. I didn't serve in those areas because God called me to do it. I served because I wanted people to notice me. I was addicted to their compliments. It was my main reason for cheerfully serving in as many areas as I could find. It truly didn't matter at what cost! I willingly served in order to silence the self hate I've carried around since I was a child.

God has taken most of the positions away for a variety of reasons. Although I am realizing the main purpose is for me to come face to face with Him. Just Him and I and nothing else. Am I willing and able to look at Him even if nothing or nobody else stand with me? Up until a few hours ago the answer would be "NO!!". If I let God truly see me then I will have to give up control. Now I realize that God sees all of me anyway but I deceive myself into thinking I can run away whenever I want to.

As the leadership roles I fulfilled were gone, I focused on physical changes I could make. I knew people would notice and encourage me. Unfortunately I became addicted to that instead. It is almost like a drug for me. Craving and desiring the attention above all else. Whenever my husband, Michael, wouldn't satisfy that desire I would turn to anyone and everyone else. Never once asking God what He thought. Actually, it never even crossed my mind or heart to ask Him.

So what is the result of living like this for so long? Complete and total misery! Feeling no real emotions. Functioning out of duty. Surviving but not thriving in any area or relationship. Hearing women try to speak God's truth into my life but not being able to process the meaning. It is almost as if they were speaking a foreign language. Nodding my head in agreement but feeling vacant on the inside. Going to church and trying to listen to the sermon but walking out feeling empty and more confused. Reading the Bible with no passion. Praying but not actively pursuing Him. It is an exhausting lifestyle!

Yet, God answered a lame prayer I said earlier this afternoon after a counseling session. As I sat in the car and started driving home I said "God are you still there? I want to feel something again". At that time there was no expectation that He would answer. Thankfully I was wrong it was just a matter of timing. I'm reading Gary Smalley and Karen Kingsbury's book "Redemption". I have identified in some way with most of the characters and their sinful choices hit me hard. One quote says "The more bad choices you make, the less bad your choices seem." I have chosen to avoid Christian music. I have chosen to skip a church service here and there. I have chosen to not read my Bible diligently and with passion. I have chosen to become cold towards my husband. I have chosen to live more and more isolated each and every day. I have chosen to stay in the pit of despair and "woe is me".

The other night I had a dream that the Lord and I were talking and I was half covered in black tar. He was gently trying to remove it and I wouldn't let Him. It terrified me to let it go! Even though it was hot, sticky and smelled. I wouldn't give it to Him. Why? Because even though it is painful it is a pain I am used to. It has become an idol in my life and heart. All day long I'm bombarded with thoughts of hopelessness and discouragement. What if I let go and that brings me to a place of vulnerability and true transparency. Are people going to be disappointed? Are they going to abandon me? Or worse am I going to be expected to be strong all the time? Besides, being in the pit causes people to tell me they are praying for me. It soothes my twisted ego. I finally get some attention again! So what if now people are feeling sorry for me or aching for me to return to the Lord? I also give myself the license to remain inactive. Why pray for myself when others are doing it for me? I allow myself to be lazy and convince myself that everything will be ok.

So what changed? I was reading in bed and decided the book was too good to put down so I went to the living room. Reading is one of the few things I have not become complacent about because I can avoid my life for a while. What I read hit me like a bulldozer!

"She (Kari) glanced at the wall in the entryway and saw the framed piece of needlepoint her grandmother had done decades earlier. The words stitched in a delicate faded lilac thread were a paraphrase of Philippians 3:13- "Forget what is behind. Press on to what is ahead." The words ran over and over in her heart, and Kari knew they held within them her only hope for surviving."

Those words pierced my heart and caused years of heart ache to burst open. Forget what is behind. It is true that I hold on to a lot of hurt, sin, mistakes, bad choices and disappointments. I can choose to forget it. Press on to what is ahead. I can choose to press on. I can choose to press on to Him! I get to decide. Even though I was still so scared I knelt down by the couch and cried and cried! Typically kneeling for me is excruciating because of my knee replacements. During that sweet time nothing in my body hurt. I haven't cried like that in a LONG time. I hadn't felt the presence of God so sweetly and tangibly like that in years! Even now I can barely hold back the tears. I opened my Bible for the first time in months actually wanting to read His word. I couldn't read anything because of the tears and the repentance that was flowing out of me. When I was finally able to read it seemed like each Scripture I "randomly" turned to was about putting on His strength, putting on His garment of salvation, putting on His joy. I have been given a choice. I can go through these circumstances feeling and acting like a victim and therefore naked. Or I can go through these circumstances with Him and through Him and therefore clothed in Him. The circumstances may not change but my attitude can and has. I haven't felt love for the Lord like this in so long I had forgotten what it was like. I know that emotions are deceiving and can disappear or change quickly but, honestly, it is amazing to feel alive again!! It is wonderful to cry and FEEL again! I can wholeheartedly say "Praise God!".





Thank you so much for reading this and for praying for me. As you can see it has penetrated through an extremely stubborn and spoiled heart. For those that read this and have no idea what it means to have a relationship with God. I ask that you'd be willing to seek Him. Be open to whatever He has for you. It may seem weird or scary but know that He is worth it and so are YOU!