"How are you doing?"
Hmmm....one would think this would have an easy answer. It is obvious to me that lately I just don't even know how to answer it. If I give too many details I don't want people to think I just want to hear "Wow! Marcie you are amazing!" Although I obviously love praise I truly want God to get the glory and not myself. However, if I don't share details I feel fake. I don't want to just go around saying "I'm fine", when I'm not. How many of us use that simple answer meanwhile our heart is broken inside? I want to be totally transparent before God and those around me. I know I'm not alone in this struggle and if my pain can help even one person then it is worth it. So, if you are willing sit back....get yourself some coffee (yep that's my new addiction!) and settle in for story time. May God bless you for being supportive and for praying for me.
Depression...seems so simple. A sad mood or a sad feeling. Well in my case it was an oppression of the spirit. It almost felt like a tangible force holding me down. No matter what good thoughts I tried to focus on I couldn't shake the hopelessness. I could see myself slipping away but not really caring to do anything about it. I know for a fact that if I had reached out to one person I could have gotten help a lot sooner. For some reason I was convinced that I was stronger than my emotions. After all I had been a MOPS leader, a Bible study teacher and a prayer warrior. I even had memorized some Scripture and went to church regularly. I had it all together, right? LOL I don't know if I thought I had it all together I just knew I didn't want to bother anyone. Most of my friends lead such busy lives. Surely they wouldn't have time to hear me whine and complain about my petty problems. My life struggles seemed so meaningless and insignificant.
On Monday, November 30th, I could feel that something wasn't right. I thought I could shake it and "get over it". That night Michael had to go out and I don't even remember why. The girls were tucked into bed (I think) and I was going to take my sleep aid medicine. The pills spilled into my hand and I just stared at them. I counted 20 pills and the thought lingered "How many pills would it take for me to go to sleep for a while?" I didn't want to die but I just wanted to go away. I wanted sleep. I wanted to hide. I wanted peace of mind and heart! Thankfully, Michael found me as I was crying. I assured him that I was fine. Yes...I lied!
On Tuesday, December 1st, I was in worse shape. I don't remember eating anything. I don't remember feeding the girls. I was dressed but don't remember doing it. The whole day I was in a dark cloud. The moment of truth came when I didn't want to be around my girls anymore. At that time my marriage was heading down a very dark and destructive path. I had always said that if it came down to it the girls and I would go to TX to be with my sister. Well that day I didn't even care if Michael kept the girls. Actually I knew they'd be better off with him. Yet, I still thought this mood would pass. I called my doctor hoping that I just needed some more antidepressants. Well after quite a few phone calls I went to see my doctor's associate. He recommended an ER visit. I was numb! I didn't need an ER visit I needed more medicine. I was still in control, right? After an ER visit they recommended a stay at a facility in W. Burlington. I couldn't believe it!! How did things get so out of control?!
In the hospital I was so angry. I felt completely betrayed. The first day I didn't stop crying all day. I was completely miserable. I had lost my children, my husband, my friends, my job, my reputation, and obviously my mind. I had nothing left. Yet somehow God met me there! Oh I wish I was more eloquent to share just how I felt the hand of God healing my heart. I borrowed a Bible and began reading and reading. Scripture after Scripture JUMPED off of the page. I was able to take communion and I can honestly say I have never tasted such sweet bread and juice. God took my broken heart, my sin, my illness and wrapped himself around me very gently. He just accepted me and it was amazing! After that amazing experience God gave me peace in the ugliest place I've ever been. Despite the other patients, the lack of color, the lock down facility, the lack of freedom, and lack of regular contact with my friends and family, God still gave me peace. Nurses asked me what I was doing because I seemed so different. I don't know a lot of Bible history. I don't have a lot of Scripture memorized. I don't understand why sometimes the Bible seems confusing and outdated. All I could say is a simple message "God is real and Jesus loves me...and you".
Now I'm crying all the time because I'm so overwhelmed with God's outpouring of love and blessings. In a short time He has performed miracle after miracle. There is no logical explanation for the heart surgery that has occurred in me. I have discovered I have more friends than I even knew I had! My support network had doubled in size. I'm also realizing I'm not alone in the pain. Woman after woman has shared from their heart. They've struggled in similar areas and now we can lock arms and fight together.
Just as you know there is a LOT more to this story but in writing I'm only willing to share so much. Feel free to call or stop by and visit and I can fill you in on the rest. God is good and I'd love to tell you about Him! After all, God is real and Jesus loves YOU!