Tonight my emotions betray me. I know the truth of God which says that I'm victorious, healed, and whole. Yet my heart still aches and cries out. There is a part of me that wants to go back to the hospital. That lonely, isolated, artificial environment seems so much easier. Daily tasks seem so complicated to me. Sometimes my daughters will ask a simple question but I have trouble formulating a response. The words come out but there is no real emotion behind them. I still feel rather vacant inside. It isn't that I don't have any emotions at all. It just seems that I have a lot all at the same time then there is none left.
The reality of a diagnosis seems far heavier than the liberty God provides. I'm having flashbacks to some of the things I witnessed while in the hospital. My body is on high alert and anxiety pulses through every nerve. I'm even contemplating applying for disability so that I am able to lessen the financial burden. I was reading through the FAQs regarding the application process. One site said that "a person is considered disabled when they have a severe impairment that has lasted, or is projected to last, twelve months." I freaked out when I saw that and I'm not totally sure why. I know part of the reason is my pride. I don't want this to continue. Yet there is a part of me that does! No wonder my body is in turmoil. I am actually afraid to get better. Why?? Well, because right now I'm clinging to the Word, my family and friends. As I get better will I begin to let go of that lifeline? How many people are too busy for the Word? How many are so stressed out and busy they forget about spending time with family? Am I going to be like that too? I was before all this happened so have I really changed? I hope so but in the meantime I feel very overwhelmed.
Somehow I still hang on to the hope that God is using this too for His glory. He has already shown me countless times that He is with me. I suppose I shouldn't see the struggle as failure but rather just some rocky terrain on the healing journey.