Sunday, September 19, 2010

Where'd I Go?

The positive comments are still pouring in. People comment on how much weight I've lost. Yet I continue to feel awful about my body. Why? Why am I still choosing to focus on the lies? Why do I smirk whenever someone gives me a compliment? I hear it but I don't let it penetrate to my heart. The opinion of others matters to me a great deal and yet I don't believe it. I have no answers regarding this behavior. Actually I just have more questions.

A few days ago I was feeling really down about myself. I happened to come across the pants I used to wear years ago. They are a size 26 and they used to be very tight. I kept them to remind myself how I used to be but I hadn't looked at them in a LONG time. The girls were completely shocked! They had a fabulous time trying on my pants. They thought it was unbelievable that they both fit into them and there was still room for one more small child.

I truly don't know how much I weigh because I don't weigh myself anymore. It is too depressing. Watching my weight fluctuate is enough to cause a nervous breakdown. All of my clothes are big but not enough to warrant going shopping for a whole new wardrobe. I have bought a few new pairs of pants because the old ones were literally falling off! Even though I bought pants that were one size smaller I still wouldn't allow myself to be happy about it. Again...I have no answers about this mental war.

I thought you'd enjoy seeing some pictures. I know I did. I think I may just have to stare at these on a regular basis. Maybe if I do the truth will set in! I hope to celebrate soon regardless of the circumstances.
I really thank you for your prayers as my journey continues. Thank you to those that have said I have inspired them. I want my life to reflect what God is doing for me through the struggles and the victories. By far that is the best compliment of all!!