Tuesday, April 13, 2010

What Defines You?

Do you know what defines you? I'm realizing that all of my life I have defined myself as the fat girl. Nothing more and nothing less. I have always thought about my weight. It has always been a part of what I think about. Those thoughts have consumed me! It has hindered me in more ways than I can describe at this point. In school I was always the fat girl. I vividly remember sitting on the sidelines during gym class. I had a doctor's excuse, because of my bad hips, to get me out of many activities but it was my weight that was the problem. I never had the endurance or stamina to do the simplest tasks. I never went to any school dances because I was fat. I didn't have any confidence or self esteem. I didn't dare try out for sports. Low self esteem also became my excuse for not participating in any clubs.

Those feelings have not magically disappeared despite the fact that I'm not at my heaviest weight anymore. I have not had the emotional breakthrough that I desire. The few breakthroughs I have had don't last very long. I still see myself as the fat girl. I keep thinking that if I reach a certain number on the scale THEN I'll finally be happy. Then and only then will I be able to love my husband as he deserves. Only then will I be able to be a true friend. Only then will I be able to participate in my girls' activities. I still don't see myself as worthy or capable. I don't see greatness within myself. I can't visualize myself as well able to finish on this journey.

In the past week I have had a lot of anxiety and sleepless nights. Continuous self beatings and self doubt. A lot of screaming and a lot of tears. I wonder what is wrong with me? I'm on edge a lot and the mood swings flare with no warning. I'm sure I've been driving my husband crazy. (Sorry Michael!)

So now what? Well, after a short conversation with coach, Peg, I realized THIS right here is my defining moment. I can do what I've always done which is to give up. Or I can dig down deep and keep on keeping on. There are a lot of things in my life where I've had no choice. I've been a victim in a variety of cases but this is not one of those times. I can honestly say that I don't feel that strength. So many others encourage me and see greatness in me but I'm blinded to it. I don't see it and I don't feel it so therefore I don't live it out. However, there must be some fight left in me or I wouldn't be sharing this here in such a public way. It doesn't seem like much right now but it will have to do!

4 comments:

CihaPet said...

I'm continually impressed and my admiration for your transparency like this.
You said, many years ago, that you wanted to be able to minister other women through the struggles that God has helped you overcome.
I believe that ANYONE, male or female, who reads these entries are encouraged and are given another glimpse of hope that they may never have seen otherwise.
You keep going, girl!

Anonymous said...

You're not alone. this IS a defining moment. Take one step. We're cheering you on.

I don't have the same experience.. I was "the skinny one" when I was growing up... but have been "the fat mom" for so long that I can barely remember what it was like to live a better way.

But I'm taking it one step- one drop of sweat at a time.

No victims. We're winners.

we can do this, and will be so glad we did!

much love- ts

Anonymous said...

also i think its interesting how we see ourselves.... i have never thought "fat" when i've seen or thought of you...

Anonymous said...

Oh my dear friend, just hearing you articulate thoughts that run through my mind is eye-opening. I am right here with you. While I haven't always been "fat" I have seen myself that way and allowed myself to be defined by it. You know how much easier it is to be my age and single looking the way I do than to be "normal"? I have made it my wall of safety to keep people at arms' length. I am trying to get back to a normal weight, but more importantly, to letting God tell me how He sees me and leaving the results to Him. Know that you don't walk alone. I love you!