Where'd I Go?

The positive comments are still pouring in. People comment on how much weight I've lost. Yet I continue to feel awful about my body. Why? Why am I still choosing to focus on the lies? Why do I smirk whenever someone gives me a compliment? I hear it but I don't let it penetrate to my heart. The opinion of others matters to me a great deal and yet I don't believe it. I have no answers regarding this behavior. Actually I just have more questions.

A few days ago I was feeling really down about myself. I happened to come across the pants I used to wear years ago. They are a size 26 and they used to be very tight. I kept them to remind myself how I used to be but I hadn't looked at them in a LONG time. The girls were completely shocked! They had a fabulous time trying on my pants. They thought it was unbelievable that they both fit into them and there was still room for one more small child.

I truly don't know how much I weigh because I don't weigh myself anymore. It is too depressing. Watching my weight fluctuate is enough to cause a nervous breakdown. All of my clothes are big but not enough to warrant going shopping for a whole new wardrobe. I have bought a few new pairs of pants because the old ones were literally falling off! Even though I bought pants that were one size smaller I still wouldn't allow myself to be happy about it. Again...I have no answers about this mental war.

I thought you'd enjoy seeing some pictures. I know I did. I think I may just have to stare at these on a regular basis. Maybe if I do the truth will set in! I hope to celebrate soon regardless of the circumstances.
I really thank you for your prayers as my journey continues. Thank you to those that have said I have inspired them. I want my life to reflect what God is doing for me through the struggles and the victories. By far that is the best compliment of all!!

Celebrating the Beauty Within

There are so many times when all I see is my ugliness, fat, failures and shortcomings. Thankfully today was not one of those days. For quite some time people have been noticing that I've been losing weight. I've been very slow to see it in myself. Cristina has commented that my pants are too big. I've just been getting used to wearing baggy clothes and not really thinking too much about it. Tonight I went out to eat with a friend of mine and then decided to go to Kohl's. Kohl's and I have a love/hate relationship. I either find a lot of clothes or I find nothing at all. The last time I went shopping I was too large for the regular sizes but too small for the plus sizes. It was extremely frustrating! I've also discovered that not all sizes are created equal. A size 18 pant in one brand fits just fine but in another brand is way too tight. Who designs these clothes and the sizing system? Well I was very excited to find a size 14 that I could wear. Woo hoo!! I just about cried in the dressing room.

I went to check out with my purchase feeling like a million bucks. The cashier asked me if I found everything ok. I couldn't contain my excitement and I briefly told her about my journey. She shared with me her frustrations and failures. I was able to encourage her and hopefully cheer her up. She is a lovely gal and I never noticed her size at all. As I was talking to her it struck me that most people don't notice my size either. However, they can see my attitude and how I carry myself. It either glows and I'm radiant or it is dull and I am drab and dreary. So, as I spoke with the cashier I told her to "celebrate the beauty within". Each of us carry a piece of God within us and we are His beloved. It isn't easy to believe and live out but we are worth the effort!

What Defines You?

Do you know what defines you? I'm realizing that all of my life I have defined myself as the fat girl. Nothing more and nothing less. I have always thought about my weight. It has always been a part of what I think about. Those thoughts have consumed me! It has hindered me in more ways than I can describe at this point. In school I was always the fat girl. I vividly remember sitting on the sidelines during gym class. I had a doctor's excuse, because of my bad hips, to get me out of many activities but it was my weight that was the problem. I never had the endurance or stamina to do the simplest tasks. I never went to any school dances because I was fat. I didn't have any confidence or self esteem. I didn't dare try out for sports. Low self esteem also became my excuse for not participating in any clubs.

Those feelings have not magically disappeared despite the fact that I'm not at my heaviest weight anymore. I have not had the emotional breakthrough that I desire. The few breakthroughs I have had don't last very long. I still see myself as the fat girl. I keep thinking that if I reach a certain number on the scale THEN I'll finally be happy. Then and only then will I be able to love my husband as he deserves. Only then will I be able to be a true friend. Only then will I be able to participate in my girls' activities. I still don't see myself as worthy or capable. I don't see greatness within myself. I can't visualize myself as well able to finish on this journey.

In the past week I have had a lot of anxiety and sleepless nights. Continuous self beatings and self doubt. A lot of screaming and a lot of tears. I wonder what is wrong with me? I'm on edge a lot and the mood swings flare with no warning. I'm sure I've been driving my husband crazy. (Sorry Michael!)

So now what? Well, after a short conversation with coach, Peg, I realized THIS right here is my defining moment. I can do what I've always done which is to give up. Or I can dig down deep and keep on keeping on. There are a lot of things in my life where I've had no choice. I've been a victim in a variety of cases but this is not one of those times. I can honestly say that I don't feel that strength. So many others encourage me and see greatness in me but I'm blinded to it. I don't see it and I don't feel it so therefore I don't live it out. However, there must be some fight left in me or I wouldn't be sharing this here in such a public way. It doesn't seem like much right now but it will have to do!

Sometimes forgetting is a GOOD thing!

Yesterday I went to the dentist. As I sat in the chair getting ready for my exam the hygienist asked me "Did you take your Pre-meds ok?" My stomach clenched "Oh no! I forgot!"

Due to my bilateral knee and hip replacements I have to take pre-meds prior to any dental procedure. Since I've been exercising and slowly losing weight I'm glad to report that my knees and hips don't hurt as often. In 4 1/2 years I have never forgotten my pre-meds. The pain has always been consistent and therefore I've always remembered. I am convinced that this time forgetting is a GOOD thing!

Progress! Woo hoo!

Live Loved!

I haven't shared in a while because I am annoyed! I just want off of this roller coaster ride. I'm very tired of looking deep within myself. Self examination is like having to be awake during open heart surgery! Blech! It ain't pretty and I think anesthesia was invented for a reason. There are too many times when I just want to eat and not have to think first. I'm tired of thinking or looking for the scale to reaffirm my efforts. Seeking validation in all the wrong places is exhausting!

So, after my temper tantrum what do I do? First, I try to laugh at myself for being so ridiculous. It doesn't work all too well but I do try. Then, I turn to my accountability partner so she can pray with me. Last (which should've been first) I turn to the Word of God. I found this Scripture and I hope it blesses you too!


Psalm 18:28-34
You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall. As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to stand on the heights.


I obviously know that this isn't about David's weight issues, or mine for that matter, yet it still brings me comfort. Ever so slowly I see that God is my shield. He is anxious to protect me from the voices within my broken heart that tell me I'm a failure. He wants for me to see myself as He sees me. He truly is the lover of my soul! The biggest challenge set before me has nothing to do with weight, food, exercise or relationships. The challenge is to "live loved". If I really understood that God loves me how would I live? Do I even know what that means? To be loved unconditionally and uncontrollably and with great passion. Each day He pursues me and desires me. If I knew deep within myself that I am the adoration of the Most High I would probably live confidently. I wouldn't measure my success on outward appearance, numbers on a scale, or the size of my clothes. I would endeavor to live healthy but it wouldn't be out of obligation or fear. I would no longer be afraid of the ones that I think are judging me. I would not longer have a need to judge myself. So, I find myself at yet another cross road. Am I going to choose to "live loved" or not? As with everything else I'm currently doing on my journey to health it isn't a Yes/No decision. The process and progress may seem slow but I have to admit it is worth it!

FYI - Current weight 217 lbs

Keep Breathing!

I was recently asked how I'm doing on my journey to health because "I look amazing!". I smiled politely at the comment but didn't really have a response. I don't feel amazing and when I look in the mirror 'amazing' is not a word I would use. As a matter of fact, partly due to illness and mostly due to choice I haven't gone to the gym in over 8 days. (I stopped counting at 6) Even though I'm not eating a lot I am not currently making good food choices. I am still skipping breakfast and eating late at night. I also seem to be developing a heart of indifference which scares me! Why have I lost heart? Mainly because I am tired! Being overweight is so much easier. You eat whatever you want, whenever you want it and you sit around a lot. How hard is that?! Oh and of course you make up a million excuses along the way. At least that is the way it has always been for me. That is the pattern that I am used to following. Now I have to decide what I eat, when I eat and how much to eat. I am trying to train myself to really think about my life choices. Well, this is an exhausting process!

I am also discovering things within myself that I don't care to see. I am not a true fighter, I am a quitter. I only say that because of my track record. When college got too difficult, due to health issues, I just gave up and assumed I couldn't do it. When friendships get complicated I tend to back off. If a cleaning job is too overwhelming then I just hope that someone else will see the mess and do it for me. If my marriage starts to "suck" (as I once described at a MOPS Convention) then I just let it. If my hips start to hurt, even slightly, then I will stop exercising. If diet and exercise begin to get too hard then I retreat within myself with my favorite companions - food and laziness. I also play my favorite game "The Blame Game" because it has to be someone else's fault. It has to be genetics, environment, my spouse, my hips, my upbringing. The list could go on forever because in the Blame Game there is no end and there is no winner. I'm sure I have said this before but this is currently where I am on my journey. It is not easy to see these flaws, yet, I am slowly learning something about myself. The longer I keep quiet about anything I am going through the stronger the desire to keep quiet. The more I try to hide then the more damage I do to myself.

So I am coming out of hiding! I clearly recognize the signs of depression within my heart and today is the day I choose to stop. I'm not going to fix everything that is currently tormenting me in one moment or with one prayer. My goal for today is simple - keep breathing. It may sound simple but in the midst of depression this is actually a very difficult task. It requires for me to see hope. It forces me to see the good within myself and those around me. It forces me to give up the right I think I have to blame everyone for my anxiety. It forces me to take responsibility for my own actions. With each breath is a choice to live, to trust, to love, and to allow myself to be loved. So, for today, I am going to keep on breathing!

NEVER say never

Things I never thought I would say or do -

1. I never thought I'd be exercising every day!
2. I never thought I would wish that Zumba was more often.
3. I never thought I'd actually TELL people how much I weigh.
4. I never believed I could do more than 1 minute on the elliptical.
5. I never knew that vegetables actually had a good taste.
6. I never knew that I wouldn't miss chocolate.
7. I never thought that I'd dream of the day when I can participate in a Breast Cancer awareness walk. (This is one of my future goals!)
8. I never knew that my life could inspire other people.
9. I NEVER thought I'd confess my sins, struggles, and concerns in a public forum.
10. I never thought I would enjoy munching on broccoli, spinach and sunflower seeds during the Playoff games.
11. I never knew that reading a fitness magazine would actually be interesting instead of really annoying.
12. I never knew how much my girls are really watching what I do (and my attitude).
13. I never believed I would plan my activities around my time at the gym.
14. I never thought I'd exercise while watching football instead of just sitting and eating.
15. I never knew that I'd enjoy weighing my food.
16. I never thought I'd keep a food journal (Although I need to do better!)
17. I never thought I'd look forward to meeting with my coach Peg at Ladies Workout Express.
18. I never thought I'd be able to zip up my jeans and not have to hold my breath in the process.
19. I never believed that I'd be able to exercise for 45 minutes. The first day I did a mile on the exercise bike and felt faint!
20. My biggest surprise was when I went to the doctor a few weeks ago and I ASKED to be weighed! I NEVER EVER thought I'd do that! It just goes to show that we should NEVER say never!

Wait vs Weight

As my health journey continues, I keep trying to convey to my girls that it isn't about my weight. I'm not as concerned about how I look but more about how I feel. It was my attempt to try to convey a positive body image. I don't want them to be burdened with thinking they are fat in any way. As women, we go through enough of that and I don't need to start my girls on that anytime soon. We spend so much of our lives comparing ourselves to other women. I want them to see themselves as cherished and loved no matter what their outward appearance. However, I do want them to exercise and eat healthy so that they can have a full life as God intended.

While the message I was sending them had good intentions behind it I realized I was not fully honest with them. I also wasn't being honest with myself. I was beginning to get consumed with my weight loss. Why won't the scale budge? What am I doing wrong? Is it my exercise routine? Is it my nutrition? WHAT is the problem? Yesterday I was challenged while talking with a friend. She confessed that at times she reaches for food to fill a void and not hunger. I know I do that quite a bit and quite frequently. I also realized that I was trying to find my value in my weight loss. After all, isn't that the true measure of success? If you exercise and eat right then losing weight is the most natural outcome, right? Well for me the weight loss has been very slow. It has been very frustrating and quite annoying. I felt like a failure! It was as if all those that I have inspired would be disappointed in me. I also didn't want to admit that I was struggling but it was really obvious.

I also realized that I didn't want to turn this over to God. I didn't want to face the fact that I was placing my self worth in my weight. I also didn't want to wait on Him and serve Him through this process. I want results and I want them NOW! I don't want to have to wait for anything. I can blame our microwave/drive-thru society but it is the condition of my own heart. Right now I am still lazy and I don't want to work for the results.

This morning I felt a bit convicted about it all. Am I really going to be happy if I never lose another ounce? Am I willing to trust God in this journey? Am I going to seek Him as the lover of my soul (and body)? Well I wish I could say I screamed a resounding "YES!". My answer was quite wimpy as I asked God to help me with my unbelief. I believe He was just waiting for me to turn to Him and ask for help. Today at the gym I reached a new personal best. I worked out for 1 1/2 hours and returned tonight for Zumba dance class. I am tired and yet I feel alive!

As you can see this journey has many ups and downs and I'm glad I'm not alone through it all. I am so thankful for each of you that take time to pray for me or encourage me. It is making all the difference. Plus I am thrilled to report that I've lost about 1/2 an inch all over. Plus my weight last week was 224.8 lbs and now I am 222.6 lbs! Hooray!!!