Broken beyond repair?

Thank you for your prayers. God is still in the miracle working business! I have gone through a DEEP depression and am out more victorious than ever! Is the journey over? Am I done struggling? I doubt it because I'm not dead yet! As long as I'm living on this earth I have an enemy that would like nothing more than to steal, kill or destroy me. The victories that God is bringing about I'm sure are making the enemy very unhappy.

I was recently hospitalized for depression. It was a "beautiful" facility in West Burlington, IA. I just re-read that in October I had wanted to be hospitalized. I was crying out for help even then. Yet God's timing is PERFECT! Even though I know that His best is not to send me to the hospital He has used this situation for His glory! I hesitate sharing details only because I'm still emotionally raw from the experience. I want to have clarity of speech but I'm sure details will pour forth soon. All I can say is that God is real and that Jesus loves me (and YOU!). The message is simple yet so profound.

If you want to know the details now and can't wait for the next blog entry just let me know. I'll be glad to share but I'd prefer to do it in person if possible. God continues to hold me and I hope that *I* have finally learned to not let go of Him!!! After all right now I am broken...but not broken beyond repair. If anything I'm finally fixable and victorious. Like a skilled surgeon God had to make a deep cut so that He could get to the source of the disease within my heart. I'm still a bit shaken from the whole experience but looking forward to see what God does next!

You NEVER Let Go!

When I began this blog my initial purpose was to record my weight loss. I wanted to be accountable. I also admit that I wanted the praise and words of encouragement. I had no idea that this journey would take me so much further than I ever wanted to go!

For many months, maybe even years, I have felt sick, forgotten and lost. I seriously contemplated checking into a hospital because I felt like I was losing my mind. I was identifying with social and leadership positions. Finding my hope and worth in the roles I had in MOPS, church and at the girls' school. As long as someone admired me then I felt I had some value. I didn't serve in those areas because God called me to do it. I served because I wanted people to notice me. I was addicted to their compliments. It was my main reason for cheerfully serving in as many areas as I could find. It truly didn't matter at what cost! I willingly served in order to silence the self hate I've carried around since I was a child.

God has taken most of the positions away for a variety of reasons. Although I am realizing the main purpose is for me to come face to face with Him. Just Him and I and nothing else. Am I willing and able to look at Him even if nothing or nobody else stand with me? Up until a few hours ago the answer would be "NO!!". If I let God truly see me then I will have to give up control. Now I realize that God sees all of me anyway but I deceive myself into thinking I can run away whenever I want to.

As the leadership roles I fulfilled were gone, I focused on physical changes I could make. I knew people would notice and encourage me. Unfortunately I became addicted to that instead. It is almost like a drug for me. Craving and desiring the attention above all else. Whenever my husband, Michael, wouldn't satisfy that desire I would turn to anyone and everyone else. Never once asking God what He thought. Actually, it never even crossed my mind or heart to ask Him.

So what is the result of living like this for so long? Complete and total misery! Feeling no real emotions. Functioning out of duty. Surviving but not thriving in any area or relationship. Hearing women try to speak God's truth into my life but not being able to process the meaning. It is almost as if they were speaking a foreign language. Nodding my head in agreement but feeling vacant on the inside. Going to church and trying to listen to the sermon but walking out feeling empty and more confused. Reading the Bible with no passion. Praying but not actively pursuing Him. It is an exhausting lifestyle!

Yet, God answered a lame prayer I said earlier this afternoon after a counseling session. As I sat in the car and started driving home I said "God are you still there? I want to feel something again". At that time there was no expectation that He would answer. Thankfully I was wrong it was just a matter of timing. I'm reading Gary Smalley and Karen Kingsbury's book "Redemption". I have identified in some way with most of the characters and their sinful choices hit me hard. One quote says "The more bad choices you make, the less bad your choices seem." I have chosen to avoid Christian music. I have chosen to skip a church service here and there. I have chosen to not read my Bible diligently and with passion. I have chosen to become cold towards my husband. I have chosen to live more and more isolated each and every day. I have chosen to stay in the pit of despair and "woe is me".

The other night I had a dream that the Lord and I were talking and I was half covered in black tar. He was gently trying to remove it and I wouldn't let Him. It terrified me to let it go! Even though it was hot, sticky and smelled. I wouldn't give it to Him. Why? Because even though it is painful it is a pain I am used to. It has become an idol in my life and heart. All day long I'm bombarded with thoughts of hopelessness and discouragement. What if I let go and that brings me to a place of vulnerability and true transparency. Are people going to be disappointed? Are they going to abandon me? Or worse am I going to be expected to be strong all the time? Besides, being in the pit causes people to tell me they are praying for me. It soothes my twisted ego. I finally get some attention again! So what if now people are feeling sorry for me or aching for me to return to the Lord? I also give myself the license to remain inactive. Why pray for myself when others are doing it for me? I allow myself to be lazy and convince myself that everything will be ok.

So what changed? I was reading in bed and decided the book was too good to put down so I went to the living room. Reading is one of the few things I have not become complacent about because I can avoid my life for a while. What I read hit me like a bulldozer!

"She (Kari) glanced at the wall in the entryway and saw the framed piece of needlepoint her grandmother had done decades earlier. The words stitched in a delicate faded lilac thread were a paraphrase of Philippians 3:13- "Forget what is behind. Press on to what is ahead." The words ran over and over in her heart, and Kari knew they held within them her only hope for surviving."

Those words pierced my heart and caused years of heart ache to burst open. Forget what is behind. It is true that I hold on to a lot of hurt, sin, mistakes, bad choices and disappointments. I can choose to forget it. Press on to what is ahead. I can choose to press on. I can choose to press on to Him! I get to decide. Even though I was still so scared I knelt down by the couch and cried and cried! Typically kneeling for me is excruciating because of my knee replacements. During that sweet time nothing in my body hurt. I haven't cried like that in a LONG time. I hadn't felt the presence of God so sweetly and tangibly like that in years! Even now I can barely hold back the tears. I opened my Bible for the first time in months actually wanting to read His word. I couldn't read anything because of the tears and the repentance that was flowing out of me. When I was finally able to read it seemed like each Scripture I "randomly" turned to was about putting on His strength, putting on His garment of salvation, putting on His joy. I have been given a choice. I can go through these circumstances feeling and acting like a victim and therefore naked. Or I can go through these circumstances with Him and through Him and therefore clothed in Him. The circumstances may not change but my attitude can and has. I haven't felt love for the Lord like this in so long I had forgotten what it was like. I know that emotions are deceiving and can disappear or change quickly but, honestly, it is amazing to feel alive again!! It is wonderful to cry and FEEL again! I can wholeheartedly say "Praise God!".





Thank you so much for reading this and for praying for me. As you can see it has penetrated through an extremely stubborn and spoiled heart. For those that read this and have no idea what it means to have a relationship with God. I ask that you'd be willing to seek Him. Be open to whatever He has for you. It may seem weird or scary but know that He is worth it and so are YOU!

Where'd I Go?

The positive comments are still pouring in. People comment on how much weight I've lost. Yet I continue to feel awful about my body. Why? Why am I still choosing to focus on the lies? Why do I smirk whenever someone gives me a compliment? I hear it but I don't let it penetrate to my heart. The opinion of others matters to me a great deal and yet I don't believe it. I have no answers regarding this behavior. Actually I just have more questions.

A few days ago I was feeling really down about myself. I happened to come across the pants I used to wear years ago. They are a size 26 and they used to be very tight. I kept them to remind myself how I used to be but I hadn't looked at them in a LONG time. The girls were completely shocked! They had a fabulous time trying on my pants. They thought it was unbelievable that they both fit into them and there was still room for one more small child.

I truly don't know how much I weigh because I don't weigh myself anymore. It is too depressing. Watching my weight fluctuate is enough to cause a nervous breakdown. All of my clothes are big but not enough to warrant going shopping for a whole new wardrobe. I have bought a few new pairs of pants because the old ones were literally falling off! Even though I bought pants that were one size smaller I still wouldn't allow myself to be happy about it. Again...I have no answers about this mental war.

I thought you'd enjoy seeing some pictures. I know I did. I think I may just have to stare at these on a regular basis. Maybe if I do the truth will set in! I hope to celebrate soon regardless of the circumstances.
I really thank you for your prayers as my journey continues. Thank you to those that have said I have inspired them. I want my life to reflect what God is doing for me through the struggles and the victories. By far that is the best compliment of all!!

Celebrating the Beauty Within

There are so many times when all I see is my ugliness, fat, failures and shortcomings. Thankfully today was not one of those days. For quite some time people have been noticing that I've been losing weight. I've been very slow to see it in myself. Cristina has commented that my pants are too big. I've just been getting used to wearing baggy clothes and not really thinking too much about it. Tonight I went out to eat with a friend of mine and then decided to go to Kohl's. Kohl's and I have a love/hate relationship. I either find a lot of clothes or I find nothing at all. The last time I went shopping I was too large for the regular sizes but too small for the plus sizes. It was extremely frustrating! I've also discovered that not all sizes are created equal. A size 18 pant in one brand fits just fine but in another brand is way too tight. Who designs these clothes and the sizing system? Well I was very excited to find a size 14 that I could wear. Woo hoo!! I just about cried in the dressing room.

I went to check out with my purchase feeling like a million bucks. The cashier asked me if I found everything ok. I couldn't contain my excitement and I briefly told her about my journey. She shared with me her frustrations and failures. I was able to encourage her and hopefully cheer her up. She is a lovely gal and I never noticed her size at all. As I was talking to her it struck me that most people don't notice my size either. However, they can see my attitude and how I carry myself. It either glows and I'm radiant or it is dull and I am drab and dreary. So, as I spoke with the cashier I told her to "celebrate the beauty within". Each of us carry a piece of God within us and we are His beloved. It isn't easy to believe and live out but we are worth the effort!

What Defines You?

Do you know what defines you? I'm realizing that all of my life I have defined myself as the fat girl. Nothing more and nothing less. I have always thought about my weight. It has always been a part of what I think about. Those thoughts have consumed me! It has hindered me in more ways than I can describe at this point. In school I was always the fat girl. I vividly remember sitting on the sidelines during gym class. I had a doctor's excuse, because of my bad hips, to get me out of many activities but it was my weight that was the problem. I never had the endurance or stamina to do the simplest tasks. I never went to any school dances because I was fat. I didn't have any confidence or self esteem. I didn't dare try out for sports. Low self esteem also became my excuse for not participating in any clubs.

Those feelings have not magically disappeared despite the fact that I'm not at my heaviest weight anymore. I have not had the emotional breakthrough that I desire. The few breakthroughs I have had don't last very long. I still see myself as the fat girl. I keep thinking that if I reach a certain number on the scale THEN I'll finally be happy. Then and only then will I be able to love my husband as he deserves. Only then will I be able to be a true friend. Only then will I be able to participate in my girls' activities. I still don't see myself as worthy or capable. I don't see greatness within myself. I can't visualize myself as well able to finish on this journey.

In the past week I have had a lot of anxiety and sleepless nights. Continuous self beatings and self doubt. A lot of screaming and a lot of tears. I wonder what is wrong with me? I'm on edge a lot and the mood swings flare with no warning. I'm sure I've been driving my husband crazy. (Sorry Michael!)

So now what? Well, after a short conversation with coach, Peg, I realized THIS right here is my defining moment. I can do what I've always done which is to give up. Or I can dig down deep and keep on keeping on. There are a lot of things in my life where I've had no choice. I've been a victim in a variety of cases but this is not one of those times. I can honestly say that I don't feel that strength. So many others encourage me and see greatness in me but I'm blinded to it. I don't see it and I don't feel it so therefore I don't live it out. However, there must be some fight left in me or I wouldn't be sharing this here in such a public way. It doesn't seem like much right now but it will have to do!

Sometimes forgetting is a GOOD thing!

Yesterday I went to the dentist. As I sat in the chair getting ready for my exam the hygienist asked me "Did you take your Pre-meds ok?" My stomach clenched "Oh no! I forgot!"

Due to my bilateral knee and hip replacements I have to take pre-meds prior to any dental procedure. Since I've been exercising and slowly losing weight I'm glad to report that my knees and hips don't hurt as often. In 4 1/2 years I have never forgotten my pre-meds. The pain has always been consistent and therefore I've always remembered. I am convinced that this time forgetting is a GOOD thing!

Progress! Woo hoo!

Live Loved!

I haven't shared in a while because I am annoyed! I just want off of this roller coaster ride. I'm very tired of looking deep within myself. Self examination is like having to be awake during open heart surgery! Blech! It ain't pretty and I think anesthesia was invented for a reason. There are too many times when I just want to eat and not have to think first. I'm tired of thinking or looking for the scale to reaffirm my efforts. Seeking validation in all the wrong places is exhausting!

So, after my temper tantrum what do I do? First, I try to laugh at myself for being so ridiculous. It doesn't work all too well but I do try. Then, I turn to my accountability partner so she can pray with me. Last (which should've been first) I turn to the Word of God. I found this Scripture and I hope it blesses you too!


Psalm 18:28-34
You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall. As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to stand on the heights.


I obviously know that this isn't about David's weight issues, or mine for that matter, yet it still brings me comfort. Ever so slowly I see that God is my shield. He is anxious to protect me from the voices within my broken heart that tell me I'm a failure. He wants for me to see myself as He sees me. He truly is the lover of my soul! The biggest challenge set before me has nothing to do with weight, food, exercise or relationships. The challenge is to "live loved". If I really understood that God loves me how would I live? Do I even know what that means? To be loved unconditionally and uncontrollably and with great passion. Each day He pursues me and desires me. If I knew deep within myself that I am the adoration of the Most High I would probably live confidently. I wouldn't measure my success on outward appearance, numbers on a scale, or the size of my clothes. I would endeavor to live healthy but it wouldn't be out of obligation or fear. I would no longer be afraid of the ones that I think are judging me. I would not longer have a need to judge myself. So, I find myself at yet another cross road. Am I going to choose to "live loved" or not? As with everything else I'm currently doing on my journey to health it isn't a Yes/No decision. The process and progress may seem slow but I have to admit it is worth it!

FYI - Current weight 217 lbs

Keep Breathing!

I was recently asked how I'm doing on my journey to health because "I look amazing!". I smiled politely at the comment but didn't really have a response. I don't feel amazing and when I look in the mirror 'amazing' is not a word I would use. As a matter of fact, partly due to illness and mostly due to choice I haven't gone to the gym in over 8 days. (I stopped counting at 6) Even though I'm not eating a lot I am not currently making good food choices. I am still skipping breakfast and eating late at night. I also seem to be developing a heart of indifference which scares me! Why have I lost heart? Mainly because I am tired! Being overweight is so much easier. You eat whatever you want, whenever you want it and you sit around a lot. How hard is that?! Oh and of course you make up a million excuses along the way. At least that is the way it has always been for me. That is the pattern that I am used to following. Now I have to decide what I eat, when I eat and how much to eat. I am trying to train myself to really think about my life choices. Well, this is an exhausting process!

I am also discovering things within myself that I don't care to see. I am not a true fighter, I am a quitter. I only say that because of my track record. When college got too difficult, due to health issues, I just gave up and assumed I couldn't do it. When friendships get complicated I tend to back off. If a cleaning job is too overwhelming then I just hope that someone else will see the mess and do it for me. If my marriage starts to "suck" (as I once described at a MOPS Convention) then I just let it. If my hips start to hurt, even slightly, then I will stop exercising. If diet and exercise begin to get too hard then I retreat within myself with my favorite companions - food and laziness. I also play my favorite game "The Blame Game" because it has to be someone else's fault. It has to be genetics, environment, my spouse, my hips, my upbringing. The list could go on forever because in the Blame Game there is no end and there is no winner. I'm sure I have said this before but this is currently where I am on my journey. It is not easy to see these flaws, yet, I am slowly learning something about myself. The longer I keep quiet about anything I am going through the stronger the desire to keep quiet. The more I try to hide then the more damage I do to myself.

So I am coming out of hiding! I clearly recognize the signs of depression within my heart and today is the day I choose to stop. I'm not going to fix everything that is currently tormenting me in one moment or with one prayer. My goal for today is simple - keep breathing. It may sound simple but in the midst of depression this is actually a very difficult task. It requires for me to see hope. It forces me to see the good within myself and those around me. It forces me to give up the right I think I have to blame everyone for my anxiety. It forces me to take responsibility for my own actions. With each breath is a choice to live, to trust, to love, and to allow myself to be loved. So, for today, I am going to keep on breathing!