Body by Vi 90 Day Fitness Challenge

I haven't blogged in a long time because I got tired of sharing my thoughts and emotions.  All of that has COMPLETELY changed.  I've gone extremely public with one of the most intimate parts of my heart and life.  On June 25, 2012 I began the most challenging journey of my life.  I joined a 90 day fitness challenge with Body by Vi.  Two shakes a day, sensible meal and snacks in between seemed easy enough.  I have amazing friends on the challenge and felt that if they could do it so could I, right?  I wanted to lose some weight and felt I'd have support and encouragement.  It seemed like a "good" thing to do at the time.  I had no idea this would become my job, my ministry and my mission. 

I began by telling a few people my story.  Sharing some weight loss victories and a few struggles with anyone willing to listen.  I thought I was being transparent and I didn't think too much about it.  I was getting fairly comfortable when everything changed dramatically.  As if the occasional Facebook and Twitter posts weren't public enough I entered a Showdown Challenge.  I need to make weekly videos of my transformation.  Sharing victories, struggles, favorite shake recipe, day to day life while making it as real as possible.  Now the true challenge begins!

I have come face to face with the fact that I'm a food addict.  I have always been overweight so this really shouldn't be a big surprise.  I am coming to realize that I am obsessive.  I think about food all the time.  I eat whenever I'm bored, frustrated, in a group, by myself or whenever something delicious is available.  I could snack all day long.  Sometimes I have found food wrappers by my bed and have no recollection of how they got there.  A few times I've gone through one fast food drive through ordered a small meal and gone to a different location and done the same thing.  By going to different locations and getting rid of the trash  nobody can see how much I've eaten.  I have fooled myself for years thinking that there are no real consequences.  I really don't even know why I do it because it doesn't make sense to me.  I have gotten sick from the amount of food I've eaten but that doesn't seem to stop me.  I don't make myself throw up but the result and effect is the same.

Now through these video diaries the fear has crept up.  What am I afraid of exactly?  Everything!  Are people judging me?  Is the "food police" out there with guns drawn ready to make an arrest?  Ok ok so I watch too many crime shows!  Am I exercising enough?  Will the scale reflect my efforts?  How do I think thin?  I have no idea what that looks or feels like so I can't embrace it in full.  Even though I am losing weight I haven't hit that burst of energy that a lot of people talk about.  Plus I find myself trying to sabotage my progress.  I feel like a failure so I react like a failure. 

Even though I am terrified I know this is what God has called me to do.  God has been challenging me to be transparent.  I am seeing physical results but I also have to work on the mental obstacles.  I just didn't realize it would be so difficult so I am begging for your prayers.  I can't do this alone and honestly I don't even want to try.