Journey To Health

Sinking Ship

2011-05-16T16:36:00.002-05:00

Time has gone by and medicines have changed but I'm not sure if I'm doing any better. Of course that is my perspective based on how I feel today. For a while I was doing great and feeling positive. But somehow in the last week I've been losing ground again. I correlate it to a sinking ship that I don't realize is truly sinking. I see a hole and try to patch it up. I see another burst of water and try to repair that hole as well. Instead of trying to get help or getting into another boat I just keep patching holes. I work and work and get nowhere. It is no wonder I'm tired.

The obvious question would be "Why don't you just get help?". Well, that is easier said than done. I'm not sure what I need help with or who to ask. I have a lot of friends that are willing to pitch in, but if I can't find a voice to the need within me then I'm unable to get help. Thankfully writing things down in my journal or blog do help quite a bit. Unfortunately I don't do it often enough. I still try to pretend and deceive myself in hopes that what I'm feeling isn't the truth. I still falsely believe that I should be over this by now. It has been several months so I should be able to move on. I've already been given the diagnosis, I'm receiving treatment and I'm on medication so what is taking so long?

One of the keys to keeping up hope is to think of what I would tell a friend. Would I be this hard on her? Would I give her no room to recover? Would I sit in judgement of her just because I don't understand? Would I lovingly sit by her side? Would I talk to her when she needed a friend? Would I be content to listen when she was silent? I need to treat myself as a friend. Plus one of the biggest keys is to keep in mind that my Best Friend knows my true needs before I ask and supplies for them each and every time! It isn't always easy to remember that but it is the Truth!

2011-01-01T20:57:00.003-06:00

Last year I began my "Journey to Health" blog thinking it would be about my weight loss journey. I never would have guessed it would have included my journey to mental health and stability. I believed I would share my struggles regarding diet and exercise. I never would have chosen this change in direction. There are many times when I am embarrassed to share my weaknesses. I'm still deathly afraid of people's opinions. What if someone doesn't like what I have to say? What if they reject me because of it? Yet, at the same time I have not much left to lose. At any time if you have any questions feel free to bring them on. I'd rather be transparent and free to tell the truth than be afraid and hiding from it.

As for my weight loss not too much has changed. It has been frustrating but at least I have maintained my weight. Some clothes are looser than they were last year. Some days I have more stamina. Yet, overall, I haven't even thought of giving up which is surprising. I'm still trying to exercise but I admit I'd rather watch TV instead!

For this next year I predict that the current God whisper is "balance". I never realized how much of an extremist I am. I live on both sides of the scale. It doesn't matter if I'm referring to my mood, weight, exercise, thought life, Bible reading or any other basic life decision. For example, I'm either cleaning like crazy and irritated when I can't finish or I just sit and stare at the piles. I've gone weeks exercising every day only to go weeks without even thinking about it. There are times when I can't get enough of my Bible and there are other times when I can't even find it. Living on the extremes is exhausting! It wears me out physically, mentally and emotionally. So I think God is trying to get my attention by using the recent events of my life. Speaking to my heart through various people and situations that I need "balance". Even my WiiFit instructor tells me the same thing! How do I achieve it though? I honestly have no idea! I guess it is a learning process just like anything else. One step, one moment, even one breath at a time!

Clean Sweep!

2010-12-28T17:01:00.002-06:00

When we had cable "Clean Sweep" was one show that I loved watching. I was always amazed at how much clutter people could accumulate. I always scoffed at how some people struggled to throw things away. It is just stuff so what is the big deal? Well, today I got a taste of my own judgmental medicine. I had four fabulous friends help me do a mini clean sweep of my home. In fast forward mode they sorted piles and hauled out trash. Every time they asked me where something went or what purpose it had all I kept thinking is "I want to keep it even if I don't know what it is right now." Thankfully they didn't let me keep too much. The whole point was to declutter not to justify my clutter. I just wish the process would go a lot faster because I am really tired.

I feel the same in the spiritual sense. I have so much emotional baggage and scars. I don't even know what they are from but I want to hang on to them. Why? Well...I don't know, but they've been with me for so long it seems scary to let them go. What if the issues that I hang onto somehow define me. If I get rid of them then who am I really? Who am I becoming? Who do I want to become? God is currently transforming me but the process is so painful at times. I am still being so impatient. I'm tired of anxiety, tears, and feeling afraid for no good reason. Yet I'm also scared to be healthy.

I feel like a walking contradiction. I want a clean home but I don't want to go through the work of sorting through things. I want a clean heart and sound mind but I don't want God to remove any old idols, hurts, or sin. I want the easy way out but that is obviously not possible. However, I am so thankful for my friends...my sisters....that are helping me see that the purging process is only a season. The clean calm home and heart is just around the corner. I just got to keep going one step at a time. I'll get there and will be so glad I didn't quit!

I'm Overwhelmed - Part II

2010-12-23T22:01:00.004-06:00

Tonight my emotions betray me. I know the truth of God which says that I'm victorious, healed, and whole. Yet my heart still aches and cries out. There is a part of me that wants to go back to the hospital. That lonely, isolated, artificial environment seems so much easier. Daily tasks seem so complicated to me. Sometimes my daughters will ask a simple question but I have trouble formulating a response. The words come out but there is no real emotion behind them. I still feel rather vacant inside. It isn't that I don't have any emotions at all. It just seems that I have a lot all at the same time then there is none left.

The reality of a diagnosis seems far heavier than the liberty God provides. I'm having flashbacks to some of the things I witnessed while in the hospital. My body is on high alert and anxiety pulses through every nerve. I'm even contemplating applying for disability so that I am able to lessen the financial burden. I was reading through the FAQs regarding the application process. One site said that "a person is considered disabled when they have a severe impairment that has lasted, or is projected to last, twelve months." I freaked out when I saw that and I'm not totally sure why. I know part of the reason is my pride. I don't want this to continue. Yet there is a part of me that does! No wonder my body is in turmoil. I am actually afraid to get better. Why?? Well, because right now I'm clinging to the Word, my family and friends. As I get better will I begin to let go of that lifeline? How many people are too busy for the Word? How many are so stressed out and busy they forget about spending time with family? Am I going to be like that too? I was before all this happened so have I really changed? I hope so but in the meantime I feel very overwhelmed.

Somehow I still hang on to the hope that God is using this too for His glory. He has already shown me countless times that He is with me. I suppose I shouldn't see the struggle as failure but rather just some rocky terrain on the healing journey.

I'm overwhelmed!

2010-12-22T20:11:00.009-06:00

"How are you doing?"

Hmmm....one would think this would have an easy answer. It is obvious to me that lately I just don't even know how to answer it. If I give too many details I don't want people to think I just want to hear "Wow! Marcie you are amazing!" Although I obviously love praise I truly want God to get the glory and not myself. However, if I don't share details I feel fake. I don't want to just go around saying "I'm fine", when I'm not. How many of us use that simple answer meanwhile our heart is broken inside? I want to be totally transparent before God and those around me. I know I'm not alone in this struggle and if my pain can help even one person then it is worth it. So, if you are willing sit back....get yourself some coffee (yep that's my new addiction!) and settle in for story time. May God bless you for being supportive and for praying for me.

Depression...seems so simple. A sad mood or a sad feeling. Well in my case it was an oppression of the spirit. It almost felt like a tangible force holding me down. No matter what good thoughts I tried to focus on I couldn't shake the hopelessness. I could see myself slipping away but not really caring to do anything about it. I know for a fact that if I had reached out to one person I could have gotten help a lot sooner. For some reason I was convinced that I was stronger than my emotions. After all I had been a MOPS leader, a Bible study teacher and a prayer warrior. I even had memorized some Scripture and went to church regularly. I had it all together, right? LOL I don't know if I thought I had it all together I just knew I didn't want to bother anyone. Most of my friends lead such busy lives. Surely they wouldn't have time to hear me whine and complain about my petty problems. My life struggles seemed so meaningless and insignificant.

On Monday, November 30th, I could feel that something wasn't right. I thought I could shake it and "get over it". That night Michael had to go out and I don't even remember why. The girls were tucked into bed (I think) and I was going to take my sleep aid medicine. The pills spilled into my hand and I just stared at them. I counted 20 pills and the thought lingered "How many pills would it take for me to go to sleep for a while?" I didn't want to die but I just wanted to go away. I wanted sleep. I wanted to hide. I wanted peace of mind and heart! Thankfully, Michael found me as I was crying. I assured him that I was fine. Yes...I lied!

On Tuesday, December 1st, I was in worse shape. I don't remember eating anything. I don't remember feeding the girls. I was dressed but don't remember doing it. The whole day I was in a dark cloud. The moment of truth came when I didn't want to be around my girls anymore. At that time my marriage was heading down a very dark and destructive path. I had always said that if it came down to it the girls and I would go to TX to be with my sister. Well that day I didn't even care if Michael kept the girls. Actually I knew they'd be better off with him. Yet, I still thought this mood would pass. I called my doctor hoping that I just needed some more antidepressants. Well after quite a few phone calls I went to see my doctor's associate. He recommended an ER visit. I was numb! I didn't need an ER visit I needed more medicine. I was still in control, right? After an ER visit they recommended a stay at a facility in W. Burlington. I couldn't believe it!! How did things get so out of control?!

In the hospital I was so angry. I felt completely betrayed. The first day I didn't stop crying all day. I was completely miserable. I had lost my children, my husband, my friends, my job, my reputation, and obviously my mind. I had nothing left. Yet somehow God met me there! Oh I wish I was more eloquent to share just how I felt the hand of God healing my heart. I borrowed a Bible and began reading and reading. Scripture after Scripture JUMPED off of the page. I was able to take communion and I can honestly say I have never tasted such sweet bread and juice. God took my broken heart, my sin, my illness and wrapped himself around me very gently. He just accepted me and it was amazing! After that amazing experience God gave me peace in the ugliest place I've ever been. Despite the other patients, the lack of color, the lock down facility, the lack of freedom, and lack of regular contact with my friends and family, God still gave me peace. Nurses asked me what I was doing because I seemed so different. I don't know a lot of Bible history. I don't have a lot of Scripture memorized. I don't understand why sometimes the Bible seems confusing and outdated. All I could say is a simple message "God is real and Jesus loves me...and you".

Now I'm crying all the time because I'm so overwhelmed with God's outpouring of love and blessings. In a short time He has performed miracle after miracle. There is no logical explanation for the heart surgery that has occurred in me. I have discovered I have more friends than I even knew I had! My support network had doubled in size. I'm also realizing I'm not alone in the pain. Woman after woman has shared from their heart. They've struggled in similar areas and now we can lock arms and fight together.

Just as you know there is a LOT more to this story but in writing I'm only willing to share so much. Feel free to call or stop by and visit and I can fill you in on the rest. God is good and I'd love to tell you about Him! After all, God is real and Jesus loves YOU!

Babysitter needed

2010-12-16T03:58:00.002-06:00

Well, yesterday was very difficult for me. I don't know what caused it! I just had massive anxiety. My dear friend, Krista, prayed for me over the phone and that helped a LOT. I put on some good music and that calmed me. My hands were very jittery and I kept pacing. The only good thing that is coming from that is that I've already lost four pounds! Unfortunately, I made the mistake of taking my bedtime medicine a bit early and it knocked me out!! Michael wasn't home and the girls had to care for me. It scares me because I'm not sure if they got themselves into bed or if Michael did it.

I'm trying not to be impatient with my recovery but it isn't working. I'm frustrated that I'm not ALL better right NOW! So, if anyone has an hour or two to kill during the day and wants to come over or has time for a quick phone call feel free. Apparently I am in need of a babysitter for myself not the girls. My beautiful nurse, Becky, reminded me daily to ask for what I need. Not necessarily what I want...but what I need. So I'm asking :)

Broken beyond repair?

2010-12-14T14:18:00.003-06:00

Thank you for your prayers. God is still in the miracle working business! I have gone through a DEEP depression and am out more victorious than ever! Is the journey over? Am I done struggling? I doubt it because I'm not dead yet! As long as I'm living on this earth I have an enemy that would like nothing more than to steal, kill or destroy me. The victories that God is bringing about I'm sure are making the enemy very unhappy.

I was recently hospitalized for depression. It was a "beautiful" facility in West Burlington, IA. I just re-read that in October I had wanted to be hospitalized. I was crying out for help even then. Yet God's timing is PERFECT! Even though I know that His best is not to send me to the hospital He has used this situation for His glory! I hesitate sharing details only because I'm still emotionally raw from the experience. I want to have clarity of speech but I'm sure details will pour forth soon. All I can say is that God is real and that Jesus loves me (and YOU!). The message is simple yet so profound.

If you want to know the details now and can't wait for the next blog entry just let me know. I'll be glad to share but I'd prefer to do it in person if possible. God continues to hold me and I hope that *I* have finally learned to not let go of Him!!! After all right now I am broken...but not broken beyond repair. If anything I'm finally fixable and victorious. Like a skilled surgeon God had to make a deep cut so that He could get to the source of the disease within my heart. I'm still a bit shaken from the whole experience but looking forward to see what God does next!

You NEVER Let Go!

2010-10-02T00:30:00.006-05:00

When I began this blog my initial purpose was to record my weight loss. I wanted to be accountable. I also admit that I wanted the praise and words of encouragement. I had no idea that this journey would take me so much further than I ever wanted to go!

For many months, maybe even years, I have felt sick, forgotten and lost. I seriously contemplated checking into a hospital because I felt like I was losing my mind. I was identifying with social and leadership positions. Finding my hope and worth in the roles I had in MOPS, church and at the girls' school. As long as someone admired me then I felt I had some value. I didn't serve in those areas because God called me to do it. I served because I wanted people to notice me. I was addicted to their compliments. It was my main reason for cheerfully serving in as many areas as I could find. It truly didn't matter at what cost! I willingly served in order to silence the self hate I've carried around since I was a child.

God has taken most of the positions away for a variety of reasons. Although I am realizing the main purpose is for me to come face to face with Him. Just Him and I and nothing else. Am I willing and able to look at Him even if nothing or nobody else stand with me? Up until a few hours ago the answer would be "NO!!". If I let God truly see me then I will have to give up control. Now I realize that God sees all of me anyway but I deceive myself into thinking I can run away whenever I want to.

As the leadership roles I fulfilled were gone, I focused on physical changes I could make. I knew people would notice and encourage me. Unfortunately I became addicted to that instead. It is almost like a drug for me. Craving and desiring the attention above all else. Whenever my husband, Michael, wouldn't satisfy that desire I would turn to anyone and everyone else. Never once asking God what He thought. Actually, it never even crossed my mind or heart to ask Him.

So what is the result of living like this for so long? Complete and total misery! Feeling no real emotions. Functioning out of duty. Surviving but not thriving in any area or relationship. Hearing women try to speak God's truth into my life but not being able to process the meaning. It is almost as if they were speaking a foreign language. Nodding my head in agreement but feeling vacant on the inside. Going to church and trying to listen to the sermon but walking out feeling empty and more confused. Reading the Bible with no passion. Praying but not actively pursuing Him. It is an exhausting lifestyle!

Yet, God answered a lame prayer I said earlier this afternoon after a counseling session. As I sat in the car and started driving home I said "God are you still there? I want to feel something again". At that time there was no expectation that He would answer. Thankfully I was wrong it was just a matter of timing. I'm reading Gary Smalley and Karen Kingsbury's book "Redemption". I have identified in some way with most of the characters and their sinful choices hit me hard. One quote says "The more bad choices you make, the less bad your choices seem." I have chosen to avoid Christian music. I have chosen to skip a church service here and there. I have chosen to not read my Bible diligently and with passion. I have chosen to become cold towards my husband. I have chosen to live more and more isolated each and every day. I have chosen to stay in the pit of despair and "woe is me".

The other night I had a dream that the Lord and I were talking and I was half covered in black tar. He was gently trying to remove it and I wouldn't let Him. It terrified me to let it go! Even though it was hot, sticky and smelled. I wouldn't give it to Him. Why? Because even though it is painful it is a pain I am used to. It has become an idol in my life and heart. All day long I'm bombarded with thoughts of hopelessness and discouragement. What if I let go and that brings me to a place of vulnerability and true transparency. Are people going to be disappointed? Are they going to abandon me? Or worse am I going to be expected to be strong all the time? Besides, being in the pit causes people to tell me they are praying for me. It soothes my twisted ego. I finally get some attention again! So what if now people are feeling sorry for me or aching for me to return to the Lord? I also give myself the license to remain inactive. Why pray for myself when others are doing it for me? I allow myself to be lazy and convince myself that everything will be ok.

So what changed? I was reading in bed and decided the book was too good to put down so I went to the living room. Reading is one of the few things I have not become complacent about because I can avoid my life for a while. What I read hit me like a bulldozer!

"She (Kari) glanced at the wall in the entryway and saw the framed piece of needlepoint her grandmother had done decades earlier. The words stitched in a delicate faded lilac thread were a paraphrase of Philippians 3:13- "Forget what is behind. Press on to what is ahead." The words ran over and over in her heart, and Kari knew they held within them her only hope for surviving."

Those words pierced my heart and caused years of heart ache to burst open. Forget what is behind. It is true that I hold on to a lot of hurt, sin, mistakes, bad choices and disappointments. I can choose to forget it. Press on to what is ahead. I can choose to press on. I can choose to press on to Him! I get to decide. Even though I was still so scared I knelt down by the couch and cried and cried! Typically kneeling for me is excruciating because of my knee replacements. During that sweet time nothing in my body hurt. I haven't cried like that in a LONG time. I hadn't felt the presence of God so sweetly and tangibly like that in years! Even now I can barely hold back the tears. I opened my Bible for the first time in months actually wanting to read His word. I couldn't read anything because of the tears and the repentance that was flowing out of me. When I was finally able to read it seemed like each Scripture I "randomly" turned to was about putting on His strength, putting on His garment of salvation, putting on His joy. I have been given a choice. I can go through these circumstances feeling and acting like a victim and therefore naked. Or I can go through these circumstances with Him and through Him and therefore clothed in Him. The circumstances may not change but my attitude can and has. I haven't felt love for the Lord like this in so long I had forgotten what it was like. I know that emotions are deceiving and can disappear or change quickly but, honestly, it is amazing to feel alive again!! It is wonderful to cry and FEEL again! I can wholeheartedly say "Praise God!".

Thank you so much for reading this and for praying for me. As you can see it has penetrated through an extremely stubborn and spoiled heart. For those that read this and have no idea what it means to have a relationship with God. I ask that you'd be willing to seek Him. Be open to whatever He has for you. It may seem weird or scary but know that He is worth it and so are YOU!

Where'd I Go?

2010-09-19T21:44:00.009-05:00

The positive comments are still pouring in. People comment on how much weight I've lost. Yet I continue to feel awful about my body. Why? Why am I still choosing to focus on the lies? Why do I smirk whenever someone gives me a compliment? I hear it but I don't let it penetrate to my heart. The opinion of others matters to me a great deal and yet I don't believe it. I have no answers regarding this behavior. Actually I just have more questions.

A few days ago I was feeling really down about myself. I happened to come across the pants I used to wear years ago. They are a size 26 and they used to be very tight. I kept them to remind myself how I used to be but I hadn't looked at them in a LONG time. The girls were completely shocked! They had a fabulous time trying on my pants. They thought it was unbelievable that they both fit into them and there was still room for one more small child.

I truly don't know how much I weigh because I don't weigh myself anymore. It is too depressing. Watching my weight fluctuate is enough to cause a nervous breakdown. All of my clothes are big but not enough to warrant going shopping for a whole new wardrobe. I have bought a few new pairs of pants because the old ones were literally falling off! Even though I bought pants that were one size smaller I still wouldn't allow myself to be happy about it. Again...I have no answers about this mental war.

I thought you'd enjoy seeing some pictures. I know I did. I think I may just have to stare at these on a regular basis. Maybe if I do the truth will set in! I hope to celebrate soon regardless of the circumstances.
I really thank you for your prayers as my journey continues. Thank you to those that have said I have inspired them. I want my life to reflect what God is doing for me through the struggles and the victories. By far that is the best compliment of all!!

Celebrating the Beauty Within

2010-06-23T21:31:00.002-05:00

There are so many times when all I see is my ugliness, fat, failures and shortcomings. Thankfully today was not one of those days. For quite some time people have been noticing that I've been losing weight. I've been very slow to see it in myself. Cristina has commented that my pants are too big. I've just been getting used to wearing baggy clothes and not really thinking too much about it. Tonight I went out to eat with a friend of mine and then decided to go to Kohl's. Kohl's and I have a love/hate relationship. I either find a lot of clothes or I find nothing at all. The last time I went shopping I was too large for the regular sizes but too small for the plus sizes. It was extremely frustrating! I've also discovered that not all sizes are created equal. A size 18 pant in one brand fits just fine but in another brand is way too tight. Who designs these clothes and the sizing system? Well I was very excited to find a size 14 that I could wear. Woo hoo!! I just about cried in the dressing room.

I went to check out with my purchase feeling like a million bucks. The cashier asked me if I found everything ok. I couldn't contain my excitement and I briefly told her about my journey. She shared with me her frustrations and failures. I was able to encourage her and hopefully cheer her up. She is a lovely gal and I never noticed her size at all. As I was talking to her it struck me that most people don't notice my size either. However, they can see my attitude and how I carry myself. It either glows and I'm radiant or it is dull and I am drab and dreary. So, as I spoke with the cashier I told her to "celebrate the beauty within". Each of us carry a piece of God within us and we are His beloved. It isn't easy to believe and live out but we are worth the effort!

What Defines You?

2010-04-13T20:06:00.003-05:00

Do you know what defines you? I'm realizing that all of my life I have defined myself as the fat girl. Nothing more and nothing less. I have always thought about my weight. It has always been a part of what I think about. Those thoughts have consumed me! It has hindered me in more ways than I can describe at this point. In school I was always the fat girl. I vividly remember sitting on the sidelines during gym class. I had a doctor's excuse, because of my bad hips, to get me out of many activities but it was my weight that was the problem. I never had the endurance or stamina to do the simplest tasks. I never went to any school dances because I was fat. I didn't have any confidence or self esteem. I didn't dare try out for sports. Low self esteem also became my excuse for not participating in any clubs.

Those feelings have not magically disappeared despite the fact that I'm not at my heaviest weight anymore. I have not had the emotional breakthrough that I desire. The few breakthroughs I have had don't last very long. I still see myself as the fat girl. I keep thinking that if I reach a certain number on the scale THEN I'll finally be happy. Then and only then will I be able to love my husband as he deserves. Only then will I be able to be a true friend. Only then will I be able to participate in my girls' activities. I still don't see myself as worthy or capable. I don't see greatness within myself. I can't visualize myself as well able to finish on this journey.

In the past week I have had a lot of anxiety and sleepless nights. Continuous self beatings and self doubt. A lot of screaming and a lot of tears. I wonder what is wrong with me? I'm on edge a lot and the mood swings flare with no warning. I'm sure I've been driving my husband crazy. (Sorry Michael!)

So now what? Well, after a short conversation with coach, Peg, I realized THIS right here is my defining moment. I can do what I've always done which is to give up. Or I can dig down deep and keep on keeping on. There are a lot of things in my life where I've had no choice. I've been a victim in a variety of cases but this is not one of those times. I can honestly say that I don't feel that strength. So many others encourage me and see greatness in me but I'm blinded to it. I don't see it and I don't feel it so therefore I don't live it out. However, there must be some fight left in me or I wouldn't be sharing this here in such a public way. It doesn't seem like much right now but it will have to do!

Sometimes forgetting is a GOOD thing!

2010-03-31T13:36:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I went to the dentist. As I sat in the chair getting ready for my exam the hygienist asked me "Did you take your Pre-meds ok?" My stomach clenched "Oh no! I forgot!"

Due to my bilateral knee and hip replacements I have to take pre-meds prior to any dental procedure. Since I've been exercising and slowly losing weight I'm glad to report that my knees and hips don't hurt as often. In 4 1/2 years I have never forgotten my pre-meds. The pain has always been consistent and therefore I've always remembered. I am convinced that this time forgetting is a GOOD thing!

Progress! Woo hoo!

Live Loved!

2010-03-01T13:42:00.002-06:00

I haven't shared in a while because I am annoyed! I just want off of this roller coaster ride. I'm very tired of looking deep within myself. Self examination is like having to be awake during open heart surgery! Blech! It ain't pretty and I think anesthesia was invented for a reason. There are too many times when I just want to eat and not have to think first. I'm tired of thinking or looking for the scale to reaffirm my efforts. Seeking validation in all the wrong places is exhausting!

So, after my temper tantrum what do I do? First, I try to laugh at myself for being so ridiculous. It doesn't work all too well but I do try. Then, I turn to my accountability partner so she can pray with me. Last (which should've been first) I turn to the Word of God. I found this Scripture and I hope it blesses you too!

Psalm 18:28-34
You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall. As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to stand on the heights.

I obviously know that this isn't about David's weight issues, or mine for that matter, yet it still brings me comfort. Ever so slowly I see that God is my shield. He is anxious to protect me from the voices within my broken heart that tell me I'm a failure. He wants for me to see myself as He sees me. He truly is the lover of my soul! The biggest challenge set before me has nothing to do with weight, food, exercise or relationships. The challenge is to "live loved". If I really understood that God loves me how would I live? Do I even know what that means? To be loved unconditionally and uncontrollably and with great passion. Each day He pursues me and desires me. If I knew deep within myself that I am the adoration of the Most High I would probably live confidently. I wouldn't measure my success on outward appearance, numbers on a scale, or the size of my clothes. I would endeavor to live healthy but it wouldn't be out of obligation or fear. I would no longer be afraid of the ones that I think are judging me. I would not longer have a need to judge myself. So, I find myself at yet another cross road. Am I going to choose to "live loved" or not? As with everything else I'm currently doing on my journey to health it isn't a Yes/No decision. The process and progress may seem slow but I have to admit it is worth it!

FYI - Current weight 217 lbs

Keep Breathing!

2010-02-15T11:14:00.005-06:00

I was recently asked how I'm doing on my journey to health because "I look amazing!". I smiled politely at the comment but didn't really have a response. I don't feel amazing and when I look in the mirror 'amazing' is not a word I would use. As a matter of fact, partly due to illness and mostly due to choice I haven't gone to the gym in over 8 days. (I stopped counting at 6) Even though I'm not eating a lot I am not currently making good food choices. I am still skipping breakfast and eating late at night. I also seem to be developing a heart of indifference which scares me! Why have I lost heart? Mainly because I am tired! Being overweight is so much easier. You eat whatever you want, whenever you want it and you sit around a lot. How hard is that?! Oh and of course you make up a million excuses along the way. At least that is the way it has always been for me. That is the pattern that I am used to following. Now I have to decide what I eat, when I eat and how much to eat. I am trying to train myself to really think about my life choices. Well, this is an exhausting process!

I am also discovering things within myself that I don't care to see. I am not a true fighter, I am a quitter. I only say that because of my track record. When college got too difficult, due to health issues, I just gave up and assumed I couldn't do it. When friendships get complicated I tend to back off. If a cleaning job is too overwhelming then I just hope that someone else will see the mess and do it for me. If my marriage starts to "suck" (as I once described at a MOPS Convention) then I just let it. If my hips start to hurt, even slightly, then I will stop exercising. If diet and exercise begin to get too hard then I retreat within myself with my favorite companions - food and laziness. I also play my favorite game "The Blame Game" because it has to be someone else's fault. It has to be genetics, environment, my spouse, my hips, my upbringing. The list could go on forever because in the Blame Game there is no end and there is no winner. I'm sure I have said this before but this is currently where I am on my journey. It is not easy to see these flaws, yet, I am slowly learning something about myself. The longer I keep quiet about anything I am going through the stronger the desire to keep quiet. The more I try to hide then the more damage I do to myself.

So I am coming out of hiding! I clearly recognize the signs of depression within my heart and today is the day I choose to stop. I'm not going to fix everything that is currently tormenting me in one moment or with one prayer. My goal for today is simple - keep breathing. It may sound simple but in the midst of depression this is actually a very difficult task. It requires for me to see hope. It forces me to see the good within myself and those around me. It forces me to give up the right I think I have to blame everyone for my anxiety. It forces me to take responsibility for my own actions. With each breath is a choice to live, to trust, to love, and to allow myself to be loved. So, for today, I am going to keep on breathing!

NEVER say never

2010-01-24T19:40:00.003-06:00

Things I never thought I would say or do -

1. I never thought I'd be exercising every day!
2. I never thought I would wish that Zumba was more often.
3. I never thought I'd actually TELL people how much I weigh.
4. I never believed I could do more than 1 minute on the elliptical.
5. I never knew that vegetables actually had a good taste.
6. I never knew that I wouldn't miss chocolate.
7. I never thought that I'd dream of the day when I can participate in a Breast Cancer awareness walk. (This is one of my future goals!)
8. I never knew that my life could inspire other people.
9. I NEVER thought I'd confess my sins, struggles, and concerns in a public forum.
10. I never thought I would enjoy munching on broccoli, spinach and sunflower seeds during the Playoff games.
11. I never knew that reading a fitness magazine would actually be interesting instead of really annoying.
12. I never knew how much my girls are really watching what I do (and my attitude).
13. I never believed I would plan my activities around my time at the gym.
14. I never thought I'd exercise while watching football instead of just sitting and eating.
15. I never knew that I'd enjoy weighing my food.
16. I never thought I'd keep a food journal (Although I need to do better!)
17. I never thought I'd look forward to meeting with my coach Peg at Ladies Workout Express.
18. I never thought I'd be able to zip up my jeans and not have to hold my breath in the process.
19. I never believed that I'd be able to exercise for 45 minutes. The first day I did a mile on the exercise bike and felt faint!
20. My biggest surprise was when I went to the doctor a few weeks ago and I ASKED to be weighed! I NEVER EVER thought I'd do that! It just goes to show that we should NEVER say never!

Wait vs Weight

2010-01-22T21:44:00.002-06:00

As my health journey continues, I keep trying to convey to my girls that it isn't about my weight. I'm not as concerned about how I look but more about how I feel. It was my attempt to try to convey a positive body image. I don't want them to be burdened with thinking they are fat in any way. As women, we go through enough of that and I don't need to start my girls on that anytime soon. We spend so much of our lives comparing ourselves to other women. I want them to see themselves as cherished and loved no matter what their outward appearance. However, I do want them to exercise and eat healthy so that they can have a full life as God intended.

While the message I was sending them had good intentions behind it I realized I was not fully honest with them. I also wasn't being honest with myself. I was beginning to get consumed with my weight loss. Why won't the scale budge? What am I doing wrong? Is it my exercise routine? Is it my nutrition? WHAT is the problem? Yesterday I was challenged while talking with a friend. She confessed that at times she reaches for food to fill a void and not hunger. I know I do that quite a bit and quite frequently. I also realized that I was trying to find my value in my weight loss. After all, isn't that the true measure of success? If you exercise and eat right then losing weight is the most natural outcome, right? Well for me the weight loss has been very slow. It has been very frustrating and quite annoying. I felt like a failure! It was as if all those that I have inspired would be disappointed in me. I also didn't want to admit that I was struggling but it was really obvious.

I also realized that I didn't want to turn this over to God. I didn't want to face the fact that I was placing my self worth in my weight. I also didn't want to wait on Him and serve Him through this process. I want results and I want them NOW! I don't want to have to wait for anything. I can blame our microwave/drive-thru society but it is the condition of my own heart. Right now I am still lazy and I don't want to work for the results.

This morning I felt a bit convicted about it all. Am I really going to be happy if I never lose another ounce? Am I willing to trust God in this journey? Am I going to seek Him as the lover of my soul (and body)? Well I wish I could say I screamed a resounding "YES!". My answer was quite wimpy as I asked God to help me with my unbelief. I believe He was just waiting for me to turn to Him and ask for help. Today at the gym I reached a new personal best. I worked out for 1 1/2 hours and returned tonight for Zumba dance class. I am tired and yet I feel alive!

As you can see this journey has many ups and downs and I'm glad I'm not alone through it all. I am so thankful for each of you that take time to pray for me or encourage me. It is making all the difference. Plus I am thrilled to report that I've lost about 1/2 an inch all over. Plus my weight last week was 224.8 lbs and now I am 222.6 lbs! Hooray!!!

May I Have This Dance?

2010-01-15T20:38:00.003-06:00

About 15 years ago (maybe longer) every Friday and Saturday night was spent out on the dance floor. My friends, Dana, Kim and I would have many drinks and many dances. It was a wild time! I don't miss the drinking but I miss the excitement of being out on the dance floor. I used to have great rhythm!

Tonight that passion was rekindled in a strange way. I went to the gym to workout and found ladies gathering for a Zumba class. I peeked in on a class last week and thought "I'd never do that!" I was immediately confronted with my feelings of inadequacy and feeling left out. The same old song playing in my head "You aren't good enough. You aren't able to do it. You'll look stupid. Everyone will laugh at you. They won't want you in the class with them". ARGH! I had to take a deep breath and started talking to one of the ladies in the class. Krista was very encouraging and she introduced me to some other gals. Soon the five of them were encouraging me and before I knew it I was meeting the instructor. My head was swimming and I don't remember his name. He told me to just take it easy and do the best that I could. He would provide options throughout the dances for beginners.

I wish I could say that my confidence level was high and I danced my heart out. Well, I stood in the back row and just focused on my breathing. My heart rate was high before the music even started! Once the Latin beat began I decided to just have fun. Of course watching myself in the HUGE mirror made that a bit difficult! I was surprised to find myself keeping up with some of the steps. I was also surprised because many of the other ladies couldn't keep up with everything either but they were having fun. As the instructor kept telling us were were 'hot mamas' and the laughter roared it was so much easier. As the hour flew by I realized I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit. I sweat and I'm very sore but I DID IT!

STOP The Insanity!

2010-01-12T20:24:00.003-06:00

Hitting a major roadblock tonight. I still haven't figured out the underlying trigger. Basically, I want to quit! I'm done! Get me off of this merry go round because I can't take it anymore!!!

Ok, glad to get that off of my chest. I have been expecting to hit this emotional wall. In the past this is where discouragement gets the best of me and I run away and hide. Some of you have experienced this hiding process and cringe at the thought of it happening again. Others have never seen me go into hiding because I'm quite good at covering it up. I am good at putting on my game face when it is necessary. However, I vowed to be honest so here I am.

I've been exercising every day and the scale is not moving hardly at all. I am so frustrated! What in the world am I doing wrong? It has to be my food but I've cut my portions. I stay away from obvious fat and sugar choices. The only thing I haven't really watched is my sodium intake. I'm keeping up with at least 6-8 glasses daily. So why or why is that scale not moving?! Ugh!! I think I may need professional help. Maybe a priest with anointing oil like in the '70s movie The Exorcist. All kidding aside, I am really down about this and I'm sure the stress isn't helping. I am still waiting for the endorphins to kick in that are supposed to help my mood. So far I'm not any chipper than I was before. As a matter of fact I think I'm having more emotional ups and downs since this process started.

So where do I go from here? Well the old me would say "to the candy jar, FatMan". I'm glad to say that I don't listen to that anymore (at least not today). I'm not giving up! For once in my life I am digging down deeper than I ever have in my entire life. Tonight I took the girls to the gym with me. I did 20 minutes on the circuit. I would have done more but they had a class tonight so I had to move. I did 30 minutes on the recumbent bike which translates into 6.5 miles (personal best!). I also came home and did another 4 miles on my stationary bike because I was so mad at the scale. This is the first time I chose to do more exercise instead of eating. Amazing!

Am I still frustrated even after venting here? Of course! Am I going to give up? No way! I have way too much invested in this journey. I think this was a mini pop quiz tonight to see if I am in it for the long haul. Well, I am thrilled to report that Yes I AM!

Calories, Carbs and Fat....Oh My!

2010-01-10T15:21:00.004-06:00

My head is swimming with information regarding calories, carbs and fat. Keeping track of sugar, protein and sodium is a close second. No wonder I'm fat! It is SO MUCH EASIER to eat processed food with ingredients I can't pronounce. I don't have to think about a thing. Now that I am really trying to watch what I eat I am getting a bit frustrated and almost paranoid. I don't want to over eat yet I want to enjoy what I am eating. Where is the balance? If anyone has a good suggestion please let me know. For a moment I was starting to get a bit depressed about it. I realized I'm losing my focus. This journey isn't just about weight loss it is about surrendering myself to the Lord. Although that sounds so cliche it is the truth. My deepest desire is to turn to Him long before I turn to food for satisfaction, validation or comfort.

I have to continuously remind myself to focus on the current step I am on. I don't want to worry about the million steps I have yet to take. All I am responsible for is today! So how did I do today? It is Sunday which, in the fall , has always meant church and then hours and hours of football and snacks. The girls and I interact very little and lately Michael has been at work. Well, we changed things up a little bit. All of us went to church but then the girls and I went to the gym. I worked out for almost an hour. I treated myself to 30 minutes in the infrared sauna. It was amazing! I am noticing that I am able to stand for longer periods of time. I'm also not completely fatigued when we get home from the gym. Progress, progress, progress!

I don't wanna!

2010-01-07T16:30:00.002-06:00

"I don't wanna!" Those were the words Victoria cried out to me when she didn't want to review her spelling words. The freshly fallen snow was calling her name. I tried to convey to her that if we got her work done quickly then she'd have the rest of the day to play. She was only focusing on what she was missing out on and the work load in front of her. I admit that I was beginning to get frustrated. I was also sad because she was sad. However, I realized that life is full of things we have to do that aren't always fun. We can't always avoid things but we can control our attitude.

I got to thinking about my health journey. I really don't like going to the gym. I don't like exercising. I don't like sharing in a public forum. I don't like counting calories and measuring my food intake. Was this going to be my life forever? Just like Victoria had to review her spelling words when she didn't want to I also have things to do that I don't want to do. Is it going to be forever? In her case it took just 20 minutes. If I adjust my attitude it won't feel like forever in the negative way. In time my body will begin to crave the healthier things. I can't see that right now but I don't have to see it to believe it. (Hmm...that sounds like a Bible verse!) It only seems like forever because my goal seems unattainable. As my coach, Peg, suggested I need to work on long AND short term goals. I need to be able to see progress or I will get discouraged. I have a few things in mind but the immediate goal is to get a journal. I have to write down my goals and set a target date. When I used to sell Tupperware one of the mottos was "a goal without a date is just a dream." I don't want to dream about a healthy life I want to LIVE a healthy life.

For those that are curious right now I weight 224.8 lbs :) Over the holidays I got rid of 5 lbs! I dropped 2 inches off of my waist. My tight jeans are no longer tight anymore. My next goal is to be out of the 220's by my mother's birthday on January 28th. Keep praying because it is obviously working!

Did I do that?

2010-01-03T12:56:00.002-06:00

Harsh reality stared me in the face the other day. I'm addicted to food. I believe this is no different than anyone addicted to alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, or pornography. The addiction is strong and the excuses are lengthy. My upbringing, environment, genetics, blah blah blah. The truth is I obsessively desire food and turn to it for personal fulfillment and satisfaction.

Years ago I had a friend that was/is an alcoholic. He'd wake up with bottles around him and he'd have no memory of drinking that much. He denied that he had a real problem even though the evidence was clear. I used to sit on my judgement seat and wonder how he could do that to himself. Well, apparently I'm no different! The other day I was cleaning my room. I was vacuuming under the bed and by my nightstand I found a variety of food wrappers. I was shocked and my first instinct was that it must have been my girls. Surely it couldn't be ME?! Right? Well I'm sad to report it was me. As I sat and cried for quite some time I realized that I have tremendous willpower when I'm with people. However, my addiction is strong and it has overpowered me when I'm alone. So what does this mean? Am I never to be left alone again? Of course not! It means that I refuse to allow myself to feel alone. By opening myself up on this blog, on Facebook, and in person I am finally using the resources that God has had in place for me all along.

I am SLOWLY learning that God has never intended for me to lead an isolated life. He has put amazing people in my path to learn from them and be encouraged. I have chosen to hide as best I can and I really thought that by hiding I'd be safe. Little did I realize how much danger there is in the darkness. Shame, guilt, fear of rejection, self loathing, and fear kept me shackled. It is amazing how in just a few short days my mind is being renewed. By exposing my sin, struggles, fears and my victories I feel lighter than I have in years. Obviously I'd love to hit my goal weight but it is far more important to me that my heart and mind be healed first. In the meantime though...."HI, My name is Marcie and I'm a food-aholic"

Happy New Year!

2010-01-01T20:38:00.003-06:00

2010? Wow! A brand new year. Filled with hope, promise and a certain level of excitement. I'm not fully sure why I always feel like I've been given a second chance. It feels like the slate is clean again. Maybe this year will be different. This could be the year that I finally ..... (fill in the blank). In my case the issue closest to my heart is weight loss. Before I continue, as you read this please pray for me. Sharing these issues is not easy for me at all! I also know I'm in the toughest battle of my life. I can't do it alone and firmly believe that the only way I'm going to have a breakthrough is through prayer. So, anytime I come to your mind please just take a moment.

My journey began in my childhood. I was always chubby and quickly became the fat girl of the class. The years passed and the pounds kept piling on. I have been on quite a variety of diets and exercise plans. I've never had the follow through to keep up with any of them. In 2003, reality hit me in the face like a Mack truck! I calculated my BMI (body mass index) and I was 44 which classified me as severely morbidly obese. Those words rang in my head over and over again. I knew I was fat, but obese? Not only obese but severely morbidly?!! WHAT?!!! How in the world did that happen? How had I gotten so out of control? Was I secretly hoping to die? I had always hidden behind my weight but I had never gotten lost in the process. Well, I was wrong I was completely lost and needed serious help. In July 2003 I had a gastric bypass. I was a size 26 and the day of my surgery I was 312 lbs.

I lost weight quickly and thought it would resolve all the emotional issues I had hidden. I really thought this was the answer to all my prayers. God had finally heard me and I'd receive peace! I believed that joy would finally come and be mine. By the time I reached my 1 year surgery anniversary I weighed 175 lbs. Unfortunately I didn't maintain that weight. I started gaining weight again because I had made weight loss my new god. As long as I was losing weight I had joy and fulfillment. My food intake was easy because the surgery had forced me to eat smart and eat less. Due to joint pain and many excuses I didn't exercise like I should have and didn't have lasting results.

Honestly, I had given up and I figured this was my true destiny. I'm glad to report that God never gives up on us! I'm sure that He spoke to me many times but on June 23, 2009 I was finally ready to listen. I woke up and had the thought "Get up and exercise". Anyone that knows me well knows this would have to be a God given thought! Yet, the thought wouldn't go away and I got up and used my stationary bike. Up until that point it had become a clothes hanger/dryer. I got on and felt like I was going to throw up and could barely do a mile. I ached all over and wondered why in the world I was purposely causing myself pain. The next day, the thought came again. For several months I was exercising about 4-6 times a week. I joined Ladies Workout Express and continued to feel motivated to MOVE.

Back in September I attended the MOPS International Convention in Nashville, TN. In the past Convention always meant a lot of walking and a LOT of pain. I consumed Tylenol like they were breath mints. However, this time was completely different! I was able to walk and not get out of breath. A few times I opted to use the stairs instead of the elevator. I was beginning to feel a bit more energy. My clothes were feeling a bit better and my smile was a bit bigger. I honestly wish I could say I had mastered the beast of lethargy, overeating and depression. At that time I had just scraped the surface. I didn't realize that I had so many hidden issues buried within my heart. I always knew that I'm an emotional eater but I didn't realize what triggers me. In October I could feel depression kicking in but I didn't have the tools to stop it. This coincided with my having opportunities to share my life story at Hearts in Touch and at a MOPS group. My biggest enemy was and is silence which is why I'm opening up now. I want to expose my struggles, fears, and needs. I have proven time and time again that I can't do this alone! I still don't have a grasp on what my emotional triggers are but I'm willing to work on finding out.

I'm getting a bit better at exercising but my frustration continues to grow. The scale has not moved much since June. I started at 236 lbs and now weigh 229 lbs. I was on some medications and that was part of the cause. Now that I now longer take that medicine I was hoping to see some weight loss and I haven't yet. It is very difficult to continue on the journey which seems to have no rewards. Thankfully, Cristina and Victoria have supported me since Day 1. They constantly ask me to exercise, or they will bring me another glass of water, or smile if I reach for a piece of candy. Sometimes they will even exercise with me and cheer me on. I am very grateful for them!

I happened to hear David Venable, a QVC host, say "Throw out your New Year's resolutions and let us stop focusing on what we have to lose and focus on what we have to gain this year." I have no idea what he was promoting but his words struck me! I want to focus on what God has in store for me and all that He wants me to gain through this process.

Oops!

2009-09-03T01:52:00.003-05:00

Embarrassing moments...are they supposed to make us stronger? Are we supposed to learn something from them? If so then I should be much wiser after tonight. In the grand scheme of life this isn't a big deal. Tonight I sent an email to Mike Annis (the principal at Heritage Christian School) instead of my husband Michael. OOPS!!! Thankfully the content of the email wasn't embarrassing or mushy or anything, but I still felt faint after I realized my mistake! It is proof that I should go to bed instead of checking my email.

Addiction

2009-08-31T22:41:00.004-05:00

Hi....my name is Marcie....and I'm an addict....I'm addicted to Bejeweled on Facebook. It started a while back as a fun game I'd play from time to time. Now I realize I'm way too competitive. I can't stand it when my childhood friend, Aida, has a higher score than I do. I play the game over and over again until I move up on the leader board. I even have Cristina and Michael playing it. Victoria hasn't tried it only because she usually can't get on the computer. Sad, eh? Of course confessions usually are sad or they wouldn't be worth confessing! Oh and in case you can't read it my high score tonight was 167,800! Woo hoo!

All Good Things....

2009-08-28T17:09:00.003-05:00

I suppose all good things must come to an end. I also suppose that you never know how good something (or someone) is until it is gone. This is exactly how I felt when I found out Michael's grandmother had decided to move to northern MN to be closer to my in-laws. I will never forget where we were sitting when we heard the news. I was stunned! I felt like the wind was knocked out of me and I was completely speechless. Grandma has been such a vital part of our lives for many years. She has blessed us financially in more ways than I care to mention. She has shared stories of the way Iowa City used to be that always left me with a smile. She became a part of our lives in a way that I never fully appreciated.

The last several weeks were spent packing up her home. That is part of the reason I haven't kept up with my blog. Michael did most of the packing and all the cleaning. I wanted to help but physically I wasn't able. Although if I was truly honest it was more of an emotional battle for me. I didn't want to face the reality of her leaving. I didn't want to embrace how this move would be good for her. I wanted to spend most of my days feeling sorrow for what we were going to lose. I realize now how selfish and immature it was to act that way. I also realize that Grandma impacted me in more ways than I'll ever be able to express. When it finally came time to say goodbye to her there was so much left unsaid. Will she ever understand how grateful I am for the time we got to spend together? Will she ever know that she was never a burden to us? Will she ever know that she filled a void in my own heart since I wasn't able to grow up near my grandparents? Most importantly will she know that she will always be loved and cherished and we will miss seeing her on a regular basis! Hopefully with prayer and time the sting of her absence shall heal. In the meantime we continue to take it just one day at a time.

Grandma - "We love you all to pieces"

Johnson Farm

2009-07-07T12:21:00.007-05:00

Last week we had a chance to visit my friend Becky. She had surgery in her foot and has been resting at her parent's farm. Even though the girls don't know Becky very well they were thrilled to go to the farm. Victoria was getting so hyper in the car (which is rare for her) and she finally said "Mom, Dad when you are happy about seeing your favorite thing it is hard to act normal for so long!"

Once we arrived I thought the girls would run out of the van as fast as they could. I'm so impressed they actually went into the house to greet Becky first. Of course their excitement was so obvious that soon they were looking at the horses. Cristina loved getting sweet grass to feed the horses. The funny thing was she would choose the longest stalks so she wouldn't have to get too close. Victoria let them eat right out of the palm of her hand. The girl has NO fear! I have to admit I was more on the timid side like Cristina. My favorite ones were the two colts. They are 3 months old and have just been weaned off of their mothers. One of them nipped Victoria and for a while I thought she was going to cry. My tough girls was downcast for a little while and then was right back out there again. Mr. Johnson was joking that he'd like to hire them as farm hands. The girls were really hoping he wasn't kidding. They wanted to do all kinds of chores around the farm! I'm sure the thrill wouldn't last too long but getting to pet the horses everyday is a great incentive.

Roller Coaster Ride Comes To An End.....Finally!

2009-06-25T20:29:00.003-05:00

Since December, Michael and I have been praying (and stressing) about where the girls would go to school this fall. At that time it seemed like the doors to Heritage Christian School were closing for us. We briefly looked into North Bend Elementary in North Liberty. Somehow, we began looking into homeschooling. We started to research and pray and were looking forward to attending the homeschool conference in Des Moines in June. We thought this was where God was leading us. However, everything was happening SO quickly. Typically I love change but this pace was more than I thought I could handle.

On Thursday June 4th we went into Heritage to speak with the principal. At that time we figured we'd say our goodbyes and seek his counsel. We know he has helped other homeschool families in the past. As we walked through the doors, however, I just couldn't walk away. I've come to love HCS for the past 10 years. Not being able to send our girls there would crush me. It has been my passion as a former employee and now as a parent. However, if God was asking us to leave, I'd do it despite having a disappointed heart. I truly believe that he'd carry me through it.

We had our meeting with Mr. Annis and a miracle occurred! We quickly realized that with the money saved up, some money Michael's grandmother gave us and TWO surprise anonymous donations HCS was still a possibility. Michael and I looked at each other and we couldn't believe it. I immediately felt the weight lift off of my shoulders. Even though I'm becoming more passionate about homeschooling I need more time to process it all. I want to take time to study curriculum, learn about the girls' learning styles, and get my home in order.

We may still homeschool at some point but for now, we are thrilled to send our girls to HCS in the fall! Thank you to one and all who prayed for us during this roller coaster ride. I'm glad the ride is over...at least for now!

Recent conversations

2009-05-20T00:11:00.002-05:00

Recently my girls have been cracking me up! The things they have come up with is just too funny sometimes.

Sick Day/Late night with Cristina
C - Mom if we were homeschooled what would we do if I was sick?
Me - Basically what we did today hon
C - You mean we'd lie on the couch, watch some TV and have no homework?
Me - Yep
C - Ohhhhh Sweeeeet! Yeah baby!!

To Homeschool Or Not -
Being the analytical mind that I am I've actually created a pros/cons list for homeschooling. The #1 item on the con list is "fear". My girls saw that and....
C - Why does it say fear? We're not afraid
Me - I know sweetie but I'm afraid. I'm afraid you won't like it. I'm afraid you'll miss your friends. But mostly I'm afraid I won't be a good teacher.
V - (rather surprised) But mom you are a good teacher everyday!

Getting ready for the Spring Concert
Me - (I bent down to pick up something and apparently my shirt is too big)
C - Mom that shirt is too big on you
V - Yeah mom I can see your girls!
Me - LOL my girls?
V - yeah that is what we call 'those' in front of the boys so we don't have to say the word!
Me - oh (LOL again!)

Go Ye Mighty Pumas!

2009-05-11T10:16:00.014-05:00

Lately the girls have been involved in softball. We've been rained out for most of our practices but the girls are still learning a lot! I'm so grateful for their coaches, especially Brad Laures, who are so patient with them.

Victoria had an opportunity to be the Catcher. After getting all the gear on she took her position. She listened intently to the directions and managed to stay focused. She even caught a few but we hope next time she'll use her mitt!

Victoria loved touching home plate. She knew she scored a run for our team and was so excited. Even though nobody kept score it was great for her self-esteem.

Cristina had a few chances up at bat and was surprised when she hit the ball! She loved running to first. I was a bit surprised that she didn't get distracted while waiting for the next batter.

All in all they are having a great time which is the main reason we enrolled them in the league.

Go Ye Mighty Pumas!

Pure in Heart

2009-05-08T17:09:00.004-05:00

A few weeks ago, Victoria and I had a chance to go to a Pure in Heart Conference. It is designed for mothers and daughters to come together. Plus one of their goals is for tweens to keep themselves pure before God. This isn't just referring to sexual purity but purity in all areas. Plus it is also about seeing yourself as a princess. After all, we are the King's daughters!

She and I had time together as we listened to great music, skits and teaching and then she had her own workshop to go to with girls her own age. Every time we got together again Victoria couldn't wait to tell me about the things she was learning. For myself, communication was one of my primary goals for the conference. She is growing up so fast and lately I've felt like I've been missing out on what is going on in her life. Ever since we have been back we've been able to share more and more.

She loved getting her picture taken with the 'princess' that was there. She laughed a lot of the silly picture we took together! Honestly, though, her favorite time was when we broke off from the group and had lunch together. She just wanted to be with me and that was PRICELESS!

Marine storms local home

2009-04-29T14:10:00.004-05:00

Our dear friend Jon (aka Big Jon) came to visit a few weeks ago. He has faithfully served in the Marines. He's been deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan and has undergone some amazing things. Right now he is stateside but apparently will be sent overseas again in October. The girls know he is their hero. Not because of his military service but because he can carry both of them at once! He lets them climb all over him and tackle him. They adore him! I love the fact that he thought my cooking was great. He has obviously served for far too long! It is hard to imagine him in full marine gear protecting our country when I see him rolling on the floor with the girls.

When the girls were younger they would pray for him almost every night. The prayers were consistent "Dear God I hope Big Jon has fun with his friends at the war." "God, I pray it is a sunny day at the war" Those were the two prayers we said for almost a year. Jon later told us that parts of it were fun (considering the circumstances) and it was hotter than he ever imagined. So their simple prayers were answered! They can't wait for him to return for another visit.

The Sap Runneth Over

2009-04-21T11:15:00.002-05:00

Almost every post has been about the girls. Well, today I wanted to take a moment to tell all of you about my wonderful husband. Over the last few weeks I've seen him grow in his relationship with the Lord. He has become more aware of the spiritual realm and what it means to lay down your life for Christ's sake. One of those areas has been clearly visible regarding our finances versus my STRONG desire to keep our girls are Heritage Christian School. Michael has really been seeking the face of God and wanting to do what is right. Unfortunately I have not been very supportive. At times I've silently whined and complained. At times I've LOUDLY whined and complained. Through it all Michael has always been available to listen to the cry of my heart. I can't imagine this has been an easy road for him.

I'm slowly realizing that my focus has been out of focus. Even though I continue to passionately love Heritage Christian School, I realize I need to seek God first. My passion for HCS runs deep and I doubt it will ever go way yet God is much bigger than where my kids go to school. He is much stronger than my lack of faith. He is in the center of my heart but I had really lost touch with that. My fear and lack of trust have really caused a lot of stress. There is still hope that our girls will be able to continue at HCS. Yet, today I have let go. I am really willing to trust God with what is most valuable to me...my heart! He isn't going to disappoint me. No matter the outcome He will continue to uphold me and our girls. In the meantime my deepest desire is to glorify Him and to lovingly submit to my husband.

I found this picture of Michael and I back in 1995. It reminded me of simple dreams and hope. When our love for one another was new and fresh. I had a hope of a future with him. Now as I look at that picture I know that those dreams and desires haven't diminished at all. They have grown stronger as the bonds of friendship, trust and love have grown with each passing year. I am not saying the path has been easy but each step has been worth it! Michael has supported and encouraged me through rough physical ailments, surgeries, and crazy emotional drama. I have never doubted his love for me! More importantly, though, he has shown me that no matter what happens God is always for me and NEVER against me. Knowing that brings great peace, comfort and tremendous joy!

IYCSWIS ;)

Bowling Frenzy & Fun!

2009-03-30T09:27:00.001-05:00

For Cristina's birthday party we took the 1st grade class bowling. Michael and I naively thought that we could corral 16 kids. We were WRONG! We were so grateful for Stephen Boldt and Tayna Miller that stayed and helped out. I doubt Michael and I would've survived the "fun". Those are great kids but they have a lot more energy than we anticipated. It was so much fun though and it was worth the exhaustion. I've never seen kids laugh so much no matter what the score.

Sweet 7!

2009-03-29T11:33:00.005-05:00

As Cristina turns 7 years old it is impossible not to look back and reflect. The tears easily flow as I'm flooded with memories. She finds it amusing that I cry so much as she is so busy celebrating. I can't celebrate without taking time to thank God. Cristina is my miracle baby! (Yes I know she isn't a baby. She is quite vocal with her reminders) I was told by a few doctors that I'd never get pregnant. I had what they called "unexplained infertility". It was a frustrating and heart crushing diagnosis. Ever since I was a kid my only goal in life was to be a mom. I didn't have high aspirations for a grand career. So, with one diagnosis I thought that dream was crushed! Yet God knew better!!!

I will never forget the day that I found out I was pregnant! My parents happened to be visiting from MD at the time. Michael and I were celebrating our 5 year anniversary. Victoria was 4 months old in our foster care. One night we went out to Bennigan's and the food smell was so foul to me I could barely sit through dinner. My father made a comment "Hmph! You are probably pregnant and don't even know it!" I just rolled my eyes as my heart felt another pin prick.

I decided to get a home pregnancy test which I would take the following morning. On Wednesday September 5, 2001 I woke up at about 3 am. The thought of taking yet another negative pregnancy test was haunting me. Angrily I got up! I decided I would take the test, it would be negative, I'd cry (again!) and then I'd go back to bed. Well for those of you that have taken a pregnancy test with a negative result all you do is wait and wait and wait. The color on the stick never changes. You keep hoping and hoping something will happen but it never changes. I was shocked when the color CHANGED! I almost dropped the stick. Then I fumbled around looking for the directions because I wasn't 100% sure what I was reading. It couldn't be positive, right? Did I dare have hope? Did I dare trust God? Would I allow my heart to be vulnerable like that or would I shrink back?

I don't remember much else of that morning. Somehow I made it to work at Heritage Christian School. As a school secretary I had a lot of paperwork and phone calls to answer. I doubt I was much help to anyone that morning. I was bouncing off of the walls! Finally I couldn't stand it anymore and I asked the school principal, Mike Peters, for the rest of the day off. I clearly remember sitting in Mike's office on the brink of tears. He asked me what was wrong and I blurted out "I took a home pregnancy test and I think I might be pregnant and I want to go to the doctor and blah blah blah" He took one look at me and smiled as he said "Go!" Oh and by the way I hadn't even told my husband yet! I had to rush over to the ObyGyn's office. I had to have a medical professional confirmed what I feared/hoped to believe!

Needless to say the doctor was able to confirm what my heart was so afraid to believe. I sat in this small room crying and crying. One of the nurses stayed with me as everyone nearby was shouting for joy. Nobody could believe what God had done. He had shown Himself mighty and strong on my behalf. I honestly had no idea how I got home.

Later that night I sat my parents and Michael on the couch to tell them the good news. Since it was our anniversary I had the idea to have the nurse wrap the pregnancy test with the positive result showing. As Michael unwrapped the gift I sat off to the side holding the video camera. I couldn't wait to hear the screaming for joy. It NEVER occurred to me that my parents would not have any idea what that 'stick' was for and that is why I never got the screaming reaction I wanted. Michael didn't scream because he was in complete shock! So, the video isn't too exciting but it is funny!

In the blink of an eye seven years have flown by me. Cristina is a smart, active, funny and creative girl. She amazes me every day. She can be stubborn and strong willed at times. She challenges me in the ways that I discipline and love. I've been told by my family that she is exactly like me and that is why we tend to butt heads a lot. Currently her favorite activities are basketball, soccer, puzzles, drawing, math drills, and reading. One of my favorite activities to do with her is when I lay in bed and she reads to me. She is very expressive and is learning to change voices with the various characters. I'm continuously amazed and so thankful for my little girl. NO matter how old she gets she will always be my baby!

Ice Capades Training

2009-03-25T09:40:00.005-05:00

Thanks for my friend, Connie, the girls were able to go ice skating for the first time! They loved it so much. The first 30 minutes or so they spent their time hugging the wall as they went around and around. They fell down quite a few times and it was hard to watch. I was so proud of them that they kept getting back up again. They just wouldn't quit!

Connie would try taking them to the middle of the ice. Cristina insisted that she wanted to do it herself! Victoria went with Connie and I'm surprised they both didn't fall. As soon as the lesson was over Victoria was back at the wall. However, when Grace (Connie's daughter) fell Victoria quickly forgot about her fears. She skated over to Grace to make sure she was ok. I was so proud of her! After that Victoria was able to skate by herself. Soon Cristina was able to let go of the wall as well. I'm sure it will only take a few more times and they'll be ready for the Ice Capades or the Olympic team!!

Thank you so much Connie for making their dreams come true! The girls had a blast and they can't wait to go back.

Go Galaxy!

2009-03-24T15:39:00.005-05:00

We just finished basketball season and now we are in the midst of indoor soccer. Our team, Galaxy, is a lot of fun to watch. These kids are great and really give it their all! The only trouble is that they have had a different coach each time. So far the girls don't seem to mine too much. They just love getting out on the "field" and going after the ball. Although most of the time they are way too nice and passive. I try not to yell from the sidelines but it isn't easy to contain myself. Michael finds my passion amusing and I'm sure quite embarrassing at times!

Cristina, Victoria and Addie take a moment to pose for the camera. I think they were glad for the break. I don't think any of the girls really knew how much running is involved in soccer. They play 7 minute quarters and when it is over they are exhausted!

Dinner with Chicks

2009-03-19T09:33:00.005-05:00

This is Cristina's post...so keep that in mind as you read it. It is from the perspective of a 6 year old girl.

We went to the Stultz's house for dinner. We got to hold baby chicks. They felt very soft and fuzzy. They are so cute! I really didn't want to play anything else. All I wanted to do was hold another baby chick. Some of them were brown, some were yellow and brown, and some were just white. Some were small, medium and big. My favorite ones were the small brown ones. We had to sneak up behind them to pick one up.

Mr. Stultz built a special pen for them. It had food and water for the baby chicks. It also had a heating lamp to make them hot (but not too hot). If they got too hot they could go to the other corner. Most of them liked the heat and not the cold. On the bottom of the pen he put special wood chips for them to lay down on. The white ones grew VERY fast! They were very wobbly.

I can't wait to go back to their house! Next time I want to see their dog and the rest of the farm. My mom says we will have to wait until the weather is a bit warmer.

We also got to see chicks at Hills Bank. We were not allowed to pick them up this year or take pictures. My favorite was light brown with black spots. I named him Chip because it looks like chocolate chips!

Operation Clean Sweep!

2009-02-17T10:23:00.003-06:00

Before you even ask...no there aren't any pictures...

For those of you that are super neat freaks, love to organize, or somehow have a great handle on keeping your home clean you may not understand this post at all. However maybe you are the ones that can be praying for me, sharing helpful tips, or encouraging me along the way. I REALLY struggle with keeping a neat home. Partially because we have too much stuff but it is mostly because I get overwhelmed very easily. I have a hard time breaking down tasks into manageable pieces. Instead of asking for help I rant and rave and have a mental and emotional breakdown. This strategy has yet to work or bring joy into the home. Lately, I found something that is really working. I have been PRAYING about it! Amazing, eh? Although I do admit I have had my tirades too. (Sorry Michael!)

Sunday night began what I am calling Operation Clean Sweep! I just began with the pantry. I got the girls involved and they loved it! It now looks spectacular in there! One of the things I realized is that I kept buying more food but didn't even know what we had. I had lost control! When the girls told me "mom, we have 3 bags of whale crackers", plus, I had just bought another box thinking we didn't have any, I knew I was in trouble. They were a bit amused by me but I was just embarrassed. It is mortifying to me to not have things neat and tidy for my family. I am not teaching my girls the basic skills that they will need someday. So, I admit I spent (wasted) a lot of time beating myself up about it. God had to forcefully remind me to quit it. He didn't condemn me and I shouldn't either. Surely if he could forgive the woman caught IN THE ACT of adultery he could forgive me. I am a woman that was caught in the act of disorganization but there is hope in Him.

It may seem silly to pray about something like this if this comes natural to you. Well this does not come natural to me at all. The only reason I share this is because I desperately need and desire help. Ultimately my help comes from the lover of my soul. He sees my messy heart, home and attitude. Despite it all He loves me more than I'll ever understand this side of Heaven. But, I also know that my help comes from those around me. So, as hard as this is I invite you to stop in anytime. I would prefer a phone call first but I'll still let you in. It is VERY difficult to invite people into my mess but if you have read this and you actually know me then consider this your invitation. You may not want to bring little ones with you just yet though. I have a lot of work to do before that can happen.

As my dear friend, Emily, suggested I am working on one room at a time. Within that room I'm working on one area at a time. I'm working within my physical limitations and time constraints. I am understanding my personal boundaries so that I can do this for healthy reasons. I seriously want victory in this area which had held me in bondage for far too long! So, I covet your prayers most of all. Maybe soon I'll be able to post pictures but for now trust me...it ain't pretty!!! (but it will be soon.)

To be continued....

Where's your buddy?

2009-02-04T01:36:00.029-06:00

We had a chance to visit the National Air and Space Museum. It has always been my favorite museum. I had completely forgotten how large it is and was in awe as we entered. Since the museum is so large we had to stay in pairs. If the girls tried to run off we kept reminding them that they had to help their buddy so he/she wouldn't get lost. I had a good time watching their enthusiasm and wished I could have kept their pace. Although sometimes they went a bit too fast. Michael and I wanted to read at least some of the information at the exhibits. Of course to a child looking at things is much more exciting than reading about it.

Cristina was so excited to ride Metro and a huge escalator! Victoria and I spent time looking at the map. We figured out where we needed to transfer. They both loved the speed of the train. They were also fascinated because their Metro ticket had a picture of President Obama on it. They are really interested in him. It was great for us to have a chance to talk about current events with them.

The girls definitely loved any exhibit that you got to go into or touch. They had a lot of questions and I wish we would have had a tour guide. We got to see a variety of planes from various eras. The Wright Brothers section was one of my favorites. Of course so was the Amelia Earhart display. Plus we all enjoyed the section on the planets and rockets. It is truly difficult to choose one favorite. History has never been my favorite subject yet seeing it like that was amazing. I loved seeing how things have changed so much. Victoria was impacted when we told her there was a time that blacks and whites were not allowed to travel together. She couldn't imagine anything so horrifying! Thankfully she doesn't have to worry it and I praise God for the progress our nation has made.

As we were leaving we discovered a children's area. It was filled with interactive displays. We were so upset that we found this last because we had run out of time. We had to go through it quickly but we got to see displays on gravity, friction, air pressure, force, and density. They girls even got to climb into a plane and pretend to fly it. It was very difficult pulling them away from that area but we had to get back home. The girls were so excited when they found out there was a McDonald's in the museum. We went and tried to grab a quick bite to eat. Unfortunately Michael and I didn't realize we'd be paying about $8.50 for some nuggets! A bit embarrassed we quickly got out of the line. We were not willing to pay such outrageous prices. We settled for a hot pretzel at one of the food cards by the Metro. I was very proud and relieved when they had a great attitude about it. We had a fantastic time and I highly recommend this museum! As you can imagine it was an awesome and exhausting day!

Striking at 70!

2009-02-01T16:02:00.019-06:00

The main reason for our visit to MD is to celebrate my mom's 70th birthday. None of us can believe her age. She is looking really good and praise God she has been feeling a bit better too! I know that having her family around her does wonders for her health. Her four grandchildren had a good time toasting with her and helping her blow out the candles on her cake. Although they wondered why there was only one big one and not 70 candles. They also tried to give Ines 70 spankings. I'm not sure if they ever did it or not because I lost count.

My dad, Pepe, and the girls had a great time making Ines' birthday cake. Victoria loved cracking the eggs. She was so happy that none of the shells fell into the bowl. Some of us were slightly concerned that we'd get a small cupcake to eat because the girls wanted to lick too much of the batter. I was worried about the mess they could make. My father isn't one to enjoy making a mess even if it was his own granddaughters. I was happy they had a good time and the cake turned out pretty good too. Everyone wanted a second slice so I suppose that is a very good sign!

Cristina helped put the frosting on but by then Victoria had lost interest. I think she had run off to play with Carolina. After the cake had been baked and frosted I couldn't find Cristina. It was too quiet in the house so I knew I had better investigate. I found her happy as can be trying to lick every part of the cake batter out of the bowl. She was covered in chocolate. My maternal instincts kicked in and I had her and the kitchen cleaned up long before I considered taking a picture of it for the blog.

We took my mom to Azucar Restaurant. It is a very nice, upscale Mexican place. My parents have been there before so some of the waitresses knew them already. The food was off the charts! We had a fantastic time celebrating and eating. The tables had a white paper covering so the kids were able to doodle while we waited for our food to arrive. My nephew, Gabriel, is an amazing artist. He didn't consider his drawing to be very special but I was amazed. He was able to sketch out a scene with minimal effort and it looked great. My sister-in-law, Angie, also has some talent. Her and the girls made a Dora The Explorer scene. I can barely draw a stick figure so I watched instead.

While we've been away I had my first taste of what it would be like if I homeschooled the girls. Hmmm...let me just say I'm now even MORE grateful for Mrs. VanOtterloo and Heritage Christian School. We lasted one day before the whining and crying began. I'm not sure if I was whining louder than the girls or not. Even though it is only 1st grade curriculum it was quite the challenge for me to try to explain the basics. I have discovered that I'm not very creative. Although my favorite thing to do is have the girls read to me. I could listen to them all day!
I commend anyone that does homeschool but I've come to realize it is not for us. Of course I imagine that if we did pursue this venue of education we wouldn't be doing it at grandma's house. There are too many distractions here which made it a LOT harder!! My sister, Sara, also joined in the fun. She actually made it a lot easier. Victoria loved playing school with her. Sara reassured me that it is always easier to teach other people's children.

MD Arrival!

2009-01-31T12:39:00.011-06:00

Ok this post is actually very late....sorry!

We made it! After many hours of driving, many movies on the DVD player, a number of potty breaks, and a few naps (not for the driver) we finally made it to MD. As we enter my old stomping grounds I always get very quiet. I'm always flooded with memories. Places I used to work and people I used to know and friends I long to see again. As always that quiet moment doesn't last because as I look around I realize how much MD has changed. There are buildings I don't recognize and streets I've never seen before. As much as I miss it I know I can never go back.

Quick question: What do you get when you have three techno geeks together at a social gathering? Silence! Unless they are all able to go into the office armed with a few laptops and a desktop. As soon as the technological equipment came out they all perked up. I have no idea what they were talking about but they had fun.

My sister-in-law, sister and I joked that they were probably on Facebook talking to each other since they weren't doing too much of it before.

One of the things that we have always enjoyed doing as a family is playing games. We have stayed up all night before and have (sort-of) regretted it in the morning. We have already spent MANY hours playing Uno, Phase Ten and Apples to Apples Jr. It is a riot especially when we speak Spanish and English sometimes at the same time! For those that aren't bilingual I can only imagine how funny we sound.

We also went to my brother's house and played Wii. We even convinced my mom and dad! My goodness it was hilarious! They had never played it before and soon my mom and I were laughing so hard we were both crying. We played a game where two gals were each riding a cow and they had to knock over scarecrows and race to the finish line. If anyone has played that game before maybe you can teach me. I still don't have a clue what I was doing. Plus it was extremely difficult to maneuver while I was crying and laughing.

Supper was provided by my nephew, Gabriel. My niece, Caroline, made brownies for desert. Gabriel made home made pizza. Five different varieties! I was not really expecting them to be great but I was pleasantly surprised! He did a fantastic job. I wish I could have eaten more but I'm glad we had a few slices leftover. He even tossed the dough up in the air like a professional pizza chef. I had a lot of fun watching him and so did Cristina. He even gave her a quick lesson. Soon she wanted to try cooking too. So the last pizza Cristina made almost by herself. Unfortunately I haven't been able to try it yet. As the evening progressed Victoria wasn't feeling too well. Soon her condition was bad enough that Michael and I decided to take her to a 24 hour clinic. So we gave her some Motrin and were on our way. It was hard to see her so lethargic and quiet. Typically that is not Victoria's behavior at all! Thankfully she just has a virus and needs cough medicine, rest and plenty of liquids. She is much better but we will be staying in MD longer than we had originally planned. I'm not too disappointed to spend more time with my family but I'm obviously not happy to see Victoria under the weather. I'm sure she'll be better soon and in the meantime maybe we'll get to play Wii again.

Still Winter...Still Getting Away

2009-01-29T09:01:00.008-06:00

After many many hours in the car we finally were able to relax in Zanesville, OH. It is an interesting little town and maybe someday we'll actually visit and do some sightseeing. All the girls really cared about was if the hotel had a pool. So, after a mandatory dinner break we rushed back to the hotel. As fast as they could they changed into their bathing suits. Unfortunately I forgot to pack flip flops so they had to wear their winter boots. It didn't matter they still looked adorable. They actually thought it was rather silly. After all, being silly is a great part of a vacation with children.

We can't wait to tell Amy Gilbaugh (their swim teacher) that Cristina actually got into the water by herself! Plus she swam a little bit and went under the water. Those are major accomplishments. Prior to swim lessons she would scream whenever I tried to wash her hair in the shower. Michael or I always had to hold her in the pool. So I know Michael was thrilled he didn't have to go swimming too. I think he was afraid he may have drowned in the pool. He was exhausted from all the driving. Victoria was so excited to have the pool all to herself! Our little mermaid swam, chased a ball she found on the side of the pool, did somersaults, and floated. We spent a lot of time listening to "Watch me! Watch me!" There is not enough pictures to show off her talent. I am really amazed at how much progress she has made. She has never had a fear of the water but it is great to know she is now safe in it.

Personally I was just too tired to change into my bathing suit. That would have required a lot more energy than I had at the time. Although I should have because the hotel had a really nice hot tub that the girls absolutely loved! They didn't last in it too long but it looked very relaxing. Plus it had a beautiful painted mural on the back wall. It really looked like a spring garden.

Winter Getaway

2009-01-28T11:12:00.007-06:00

Our travels began on Saturday, January 24th. We started driving to MD for my mom's 70th birthday. We had a few errands to run before we were actually on our way. We went to the library and gas station. As Michael was getting out of the car Victoria perked up and asked "Are we still in Iowa?". Oh dear! We both had a feeling it was going to be a LONG drive! Thankfully we brought the portable DVD player and a lot of movies. Michael and I were excited that it kept working. It gave us a few scares due to the cold weather.

Our first official stop was in Galesburg, IL. We visited the Welcome Center and the girls each received a coloring book and candy. They were quite happy we had stopped there! Outside the Center there was a huge Adirondack chair. We couldn't resist climbing into it. The chair was FREEZING and I'm glad I had gone to the bathroom first! Brrrrrr!!! I guess the snow on the ground should have been a hint.

We had the opportunity to stop in Normal, IL for the night. We visited the Stoneking family. We hadn't seen Troy and Sally in about 14 years so we were overdue. They made us feel so welcome and my girls wanted to know if we could stay there for our whole vacation. They had guitars, a keyboard, Rock Band, Dance Dance Revolution plus a huge variety of chips, pop, snacks and cereal. My girls were thrilled!

Victoria and I had a great time singing. American Idol here we come! I also tried Dance Dance Revolution and although my score didn't reflect my awesome moves I had a blast. I was surprised because Michael knew most of the lyrics. While his knowledge of the lyrics left me impressed his dance moves provided great comic entertainment. Even though I was laughing apparently the computer judge liked him better than me. I demand a recount! Oh well I know full well I looked better than him and that should count for something.

Cleaning Frenzy

2009-01-20T15:57:00.001-06:00

I'm not sure how but today I had a BURST of energy. I spent it sorting, dusting, vacuuming and organizing the living room and dining room. I dusted the door frames, baseboards, fireplace and the china hutch. Somehow I even vacuumed under the love seat while holding it!

I always love it when people notice. I truly enjoy the verbal rewards. However, I wasn't quite prepared for the reaction the girls had when they came home from school. They came into the living room and yelled "aaaaaah!!!" Cristina said "It is like we got a whole new house!" Victoria - "Yeah, it has exploded with cleanness!!" It was so funny and definitely worth all the hard work!

Nuggets 8 Other Team 20

2009-01-17T20:28:00.002-06:00

Well, Victoria had her first basketball game today. I have no idea what the name of the other team is but they were really good. I think our team was just too nice and not nearly as aggressive in getting the ball. I'm sure the coaches will work on that with the players before the next game.

Prior to the game Victoria wanted to know what order she'd be introduced. At first I had no clue what she talking about. Then I realized she thought it would be just like when we go see the IA Hawkeye Women Basketball team. Each players is introduced to the crowd. She was a bit disappointed that it wouldn't be like that at all. Nobody would sing the Star Spangled Banner and Herky wouldn't be there. She was content at the end when she got Gatorade!

Despite the loss she really impressed me. She kept her eye on the ball most of the time. Plus the fierce look in her eyes when playing defense would scare anyone! She kept her arms up and listened to her coaches. She even got hit in the face when she tried to get the rebound. As a mom I gasped but didn't embarrass her. The lady next to me gasped too! The most memorable moment was the one basket she made. It was beautiful! A man next to me called it a rainbow shot. It had a perfect arch as it sunk into the net.

They had 2 referees, 4 coaches, and 5 players from each team on the half court. The coaches literally coached the whole time during the game. They played for 10 min before changing the line up. Everyone got a chance to play. The game lasted almost an hour. A few players were caught traveling (imagine that) but all in all it was a well played game. One boy ran with the ball as if it were a football. They had to call him back a few times. Everyone once in a while Victoria would blow a kiss in my direction. Too cute!

Next week we get to do it all again and Victoria can't wait! Go Nuggets!

(I hope to have pictures next week. Michael had to use our camera for work and he gave me permission to blame him.)

Back to School

2009-01-10T08:29:00.004-06:00

While Nani was visiting she bought Victoria a Hannah Montana backpack. Around here anything with the Hannah Montana logo on it is EXCELLENT! Victoria also received a pink messenger bag for Christmas. She loved it because our neighbor, Rachel, has one just like it. Rachel is in High School so I think that is why Victoria likes it so much.

Since Victoria had two new bags for school she decided to give the smaller one to Cristina. Cristina was so excited and thankful! I was really proud of Victoria for her willingness to give her little sister something that was special to her. I hadn't planned on forcing Victoria to share. When I asked her about it she responded "Mom, Jesus wants us to be kind!" She was so matter of fact about it and sharing wasn't a struggle for her. Definitely a "proud mama" moment!

So, as we got ready for school they kept asking for me to take their picture. They know I like to blog and they love reading about themselves. They are actually making it a bit easier for me to take pictures. Now, I just have to learn how to download them onto the computer! One step at a time, right?

Dancing the Holiday away!

2009-01-09T13:11:00.010-06:00

Christmas of course is a joyous time yet this year I found myself sad. I missed being with family! Yet I was quickly reminded that time spent with family can also lead to chaos. A lot of work can go into feeding so many people. Clean up, cooking, shopping, cleaning, celebrating and of course more cleaning. Obviously it is always worth it and a lot of fun but it is exhausting. This year we spent time with Great Nani. She came over for lunch on Christmas Day. The girls were mortified when they found out they couldn't open gifts until after we ate. It was the first meal that I didn't have to coax them to finish everything on their plate. Michael did a great job of making a fantastic lunch! Plus he cleaned up the kitchen too. It was very relaxing!

The girls had noticed that I was a bit sad so they put on a few different shows for me. One time they dressed up in their princess costumes. They walked around like royalty. Saying "yes madam" and "thank you" or "if you please". They even attempted to ball room dance to Christmas carols. Although, they couldn't quite figure out who was leading. I wasn't allowed to chuckle too loudly because that isn't princess manners. I could only smile and nod. I didn't realize they knew so much about manners. It was one of the quietest times we've shared.

On Christmas Eve we went to church. Prior to the service the girls decided they wanted to go fancy to church. So, at the last minute we rushed around getting ready. They know that I love it when I can dress them up. I think it was their gift to me. Although they didn't let me fuss with their hair too much I was still happy.

The final show came on Christmas Day! They each got a set of Hannah Montana pajamas from Great Nani. They couldn't wait to wear them! So, of course I had to put on the CD and they danced and sang for me. They don't know most of the words but they got the moves! I'm not sure they have rhythm but they definitely have enthusiasm. Thankfully they didn't want to change a lot during the show. I would have much more laundry to do. They were quite happy in their cozy PJs!

Thanks to my girls my mood wasn't nearly as bad as I had anticipated. Christmas turned out to be fun in small unexpected ways. Their joy was very contagious. Soon I found myself laughing at the silliest things. Especially when I found some Barbie shoes by baby Jesus. I'm not sure what they were doing there but that cracked me up! If I ever see Jesus driving the Barbie Camper I think I'm going to laugh until I cry!!

2009?

2009-01-06T14:01:00.003-06:00

2009? ALREADY? I'm sure it was just last year that we were preparing for Y2K, right?

I was able to take a partial break from working at Lemstone over the holiday. During the Christmas rush the Mall partnered up with Discover and held a contest. Customers were able to collect their receipts and turn them in for a GC. The mall employees were entered into a drawing for a $10 city wide gift card. I WON! It was even printed in the Mall monthly newsletter. My co-workers were quite jealous especially since I didn't work as much during the last week before Christmas. I'm just thankful that the customers I did help turned in their receipts. This increased my chances to win and apparently it worked! Now I just have to figure out what I want to buy! Quite the dilemma but I'm sure I will figure it out.

89 and still having fun!

2008-12-14T19:56:00.006-06:00

On December 13th we had the honor of celebrating Michael's Grandmother's birthday. She is a feisty 89! My mother-in-law, Corleen, even came down from MN to join the party. The girls were in awe that anyone could get to be that old. Cristina was curious to know if Great-Nani would have her party at Chuck-E-Cheese. Obviously Cristina wanted to go and thought that Great-Nani would just love to take her! We were all thrilled when we saw a large cookie bouquet arrive on her doorstep. The cookies are HUGE and we can't wait to dig into them!

We bravely headed out to Coral Ridge Mall to visit Santa. Unfortunately it really was not the place to go for a relaxing afternoon. Since Christmas is less than two weeks away it was very crowded. Great-Nani was amused at watching the girls with Santa. Since we didn't learn from the over-crowded experience by Santa we ventured off to Target. As if that wasn't bad enough we went to the Toy section! After about 15 minutes of fighting through the crowds (with Grandma in a wheelchair) we decided to leave. Plus the Apples to Apples was sold out so it was a wasted trip.

After surviving the chaos at the mall we all went to Red Lobster for dinner. The girls really wanted to go to a Mexican restaurant. They wanted to see Great-Nani wear a big sombrero and sing in Spanish too her. Yet, they were happy with Red Lobster too because they always get to pet a lobster. They even put a coaster in the lobster's claw and crack up if he snaps at it. They have now been dubbed professional lobster handlers since neither one of them is afraid.

The really enjoyed eating crab legs! It is one of the few times they finish their entire meal with no coaxing from us. They enjoy their meal so much that it always makes me wish I had ordered the crab legs too. I think they would be great on a commercial for Red Lobster. Victoria had us laughing really hard when she used her crab claw as a fork! She was very animated and even gave the claw a voice. She was a bit upset when I finally made her crack it open to get the great crab meat out.

All in all we had a great time. We consider it an honor to be able to celebrate with Great-Nani. We look forward to many more years with her.

Roughing it

2008-12-07T21:21:00.005-06:00

I'm not much of a camper. Ok, who am I kidding? I'm not a camper at all! I like the outdoors for about an hour, or however long it takes to roast a few marshmallows. I could do that EVERY weekend! Mmmmm I am a bit particular on how I like them so it takes quite a while. Oh, but it is worth it!! (Now I really want some!)

I'm sure my girls would love to go camping sometime. In order to give them a slight feel for what it would be like to rough it we camp out in the living room instead. Typically that is what we do on Friday nights. We eat supper in the living room, they each get to pick out a movie, later on in the evening we have popcorn. Lately the girls have created a tent using sheets and blankets and whatever else they can find to hang off of the chairs. Sometimes this can be a lengthy process and Daddy has to lend a hand!

Here we are getting cozy for the movie. In case you are curious I didn't sleep in the tent. I lasted about 10 min. Mainly because....well just because! It didn't matter because the girls loved it. They always look forward to FamilyFunNight and that is all that truly matters!

Mourning the loss....

2008-11-18T21:19:00.008-06:00

Mid Oct 2008 - Nov 16, 2008
It is with a deep sigh that I post that Caty the Caterpillar Ciha is no longer with us. It was a sad day for all.

Cristina found Caty one afternoon while playing with a neighbor girl and Victoria. The three of them came running inside shrieking! So, I let them put Caty in our bug catcher. I didn't think we'd keep her. Yet, each day we were all amused by watching her get around the leaves and sticks we had in the cage. The girls would take turns trying to find fresh grass and leaves for her to eat.

Michael and I are not real 'pet' people despite his computer ID of CihaPet on most sites. I think the main problem is that he is a cat person and I'm a dog person. Regardless, neither one of us is willing to take on the responsibility and cost of a pet.

The girls would talk to her and stare at her every day. They even put a little skateboard for her to ride in her cage. Cristina even had the opportunity to take her to school last Friday. She was part of her show & tell. I think venturing outside to the first grade class was too much for her though. After that she didn't look so good. By Sunday night we knew she was gone. Cristina seemed ok at first until we buried her outside by our tree. Then she really lost it! Poor thing. I admit I even got a bit teary eyed myself.

So, goodbye Caty! As Cristina said (a day later) "Well now she is part of the dirt. She'll have more fun in there." I'm not sure about that but at least Cristina isn't bawling anymore!

Show & Tell Success!

2008-11-15T15:55:00.014-06:00

Cristina was the Handy Helper for the week. She was able to be the line leader every time they left the classroom. She got to help Mrs. VanOtterloo by handing out papers. Plus, at lunch she got to sit with anyone in the classroom. She chose her friend Cayley Annis. The two of them together is funny to watch. They giggle like crazy!

Victoria was the Handy Helper last week but due to a 1/2 day on Friday she never got to sit with a special friend. She chose to sit with me! I was so honored and very surprised. When I asked her why she chose me she said "Mom, I love you!" Ok I could've cried right then and there but I held it together. It was the best meal I've ever had! Considering how icky the pizza was that is saying a LOT! :)

Another MAJOR highlight of Show & Tell Day was Megan Skouby, #44, UofIA Basketball player. She came to Heritage Christian School to surprise the girls. I was a wreck! It is hard to keep such a big secret. My girls had absolutely no idea! Typically, I volunteer at the school on Friday until lunch. Since Megan was coming I was there all day. Unfortunately I spent most of the day looking at my watch. Needless to say it made for a VERY long day. I think I was driving the school secretary nuts! Luckily she and I used to work together so she is used to my frantic side.

Cristina was in the midst of showing the class her stuffed cat, Tammy, when I walked in. Mrs. VanOtterloo told the class that Cristina had something else for Show & Tell that even she didn't know about. Of course all the kids were curious. So when Megan Skouby walked in Cristina and Victoria couldn't speak!! Cristina immediately started giggling quite nervously. Megan thought that was so cute. Cristina was able to sit on her lap and all she could do was giggle and giggle! I'm not sure if she breathed at all.

The class was able to ask her questions about the team, the position she plays, her eyebrow piercing (oh my!). The question that got all the "oohs and aahs" was when they found out she is 6'6" tall! They all chimed in and said "That's taller than Mrs. Van Otterloo and Miss Veenstra!" When their teacher mentioned that Megan is even taller that Mr. VanOtterloo they all shrieked! One boy, Caden, was so excited he exclaimed "I think I'm going to faint! This is the best Friday ever!!" Oh it was so adorable. They each got to give her High 5's when it was over. They loved jumping up to reach her hand.

Megan was so gracious and professional. Our time with her went by too quickly. I know I could have sat and listened to the kids silly questions for a while longer. Megan gave them each an autographed poster, a refrigerator magnet and a trading card with their basketball schedule. I was so impressed! I truly can't wait to go to another game! I think I'm more excited than my girls. If anyone ever wants to join us please let me know! We always have a blast. GO HAWKS!

WHERE was the video camera???

2008-11-12T12:29:00.002-06:00

UGH! I'm never prepared when my daughters do funny things. This morning we had a few minutes before we had to leave for school. They were playing in the living room while I finished getting ready for work. I could hear them pretending to play basketball. In January, Victoria will be taking classes through the North Liberty Rec. Center for a few weeks. She is very excited about it! Anyway, I hear Cristina yell in an announcer type of voice "Here is your own Iowa player, at 10 feet tall, #44, Megan Skouuuuubbbbbyyy" So Victoria runs onto the court dribbling her imaginary basketball and shooting a few baskets. As I peek around the corner I see them switch places. Victoria becomes the announcer and says "Ok here is Iowa player at only 7 feet tall, #11, Kristi Smiiiiiiith" Cristina comes out doing fancy dribbling tricks and of course shoots a few.

I was laughing so hard! I tried not to ruin the show but we had to get to school. Oh I wish I could have recorded it or gotten some pictures. You'll just have to trust me it was VERY cute! I think I have created some basketball fans!

Mourning the loss......of FIVE fingernails!

2008-11-10T21:34:00.004-06:00

UGH!!! Last week I broke 3 fingernails at the same time. I broke another one while shopping. Now I just broke another one. UGH! That makes FIVE!!! Now, in my normal, everyday, typical life this is hardly anything to blog about. My nails usually aren't long enough to break (much to my mother's dismay). For the past two or three months I have had very long and beautifully manicured nails. They were so long I stopped wearing my contact lenses. I had a hard time getting my lenses out. I received a LOT of compliments on my nails. Now they are breaking off one by one. (Or three, one and one) Is this a lesson in pride? In looking at outer beauty instead of the heart? Is this some cosmic punishment for thriving on many comments and compliments?

:)
Can you tell nothing too exciting happened today?

Great Nani

2008-11-06T16:31:00.004-06:00

People often ask me what I do. I work at Lemstone, I volunteer at Heritage Christian School, I am involved in MOPS. Yet, one of my primary jobs is to take care of Michael's grandmother (Great Nani). We go to K-mart, Wal-Mart, Target and Hy-Vee quite a bit. She is always quite generous and will take us out to eat in return. However, it began as a duty and something I felt I had to do because nobody else was available. When I first met her I doubt she liked me very much. The comments she made were not very flattering. It was difficult for me to be around her. Yet God is amazing because he has turned this into such a blessing for me and the girls. Not many children have a relationship with their great grandmother!

This is the girls at her house dressed up as Princesses for Halloween.

Obviously at times it is a bit exhausting yet the rewards are amazing. She has incredible stories to share of how things used to be in the good ole days. It makes me laugh whenever I ask her about when she dated. Sometimes she'll even blush as she recalls community dances and events. She gets a somewhat dreamy look in her eyes as if she can almost see the people she is describing. I think she enjoys telling me the same story over and over again. I don't mind because I love hearing about Michael's family.

This was taken at the Naibi Zoo in Moline, IL this past summer.

I wanted to post these pictures so that I can remember why I do what I do. It isn't always easy or convenient but it is always worth it! As a matter of fact, today I took her to McDonald's for breakfast. Since it was POURING rain she didn't want to get out of the car. Instead of getting frustrated we ate in the car. I wish I had a picture of that too! It was rather comical. I am glad we were able to finish my errands without getting soaked.

I'm NEVER washing my hand again!

2008-11-04T07:06:00.003-06:00

This was the giggly shriek of my girls after the UofIA Women's Basketball game. The highlights, the score, the MVP...well none of that mattered. Even the ice cream we ate didn't seem to matter anymore. After the game, Michael, took them by the hall where all the players pass by on their way to the locker room. So they were able to give some gals a High 5. Their dream came true when they got to touch Megan Skouby's hand. I wish I had a picture of their faces because it was too cute! "Wow! I'm NEVER washing this hand again. Ever!!"

As if that wasn't enough to make their day the girls actually got to meet their idol Megan Skouby! It was actually quite by accident that we got to meet her. We were waiting for the elevator after the game. The line was huge so we decided to wait. After a bit, Megan came back out to the floor. My girls were speechless! They wanted to run up to her but they were both paralyzed. She was there to meet some other young gals. I finally coaxed me girls to go up to her. All they could do was smile. Even when asked if they enjoyed the game all they could do was giggle like crazy! Megan thought the girls were adorable. That made me giggle like crazy! If she only knew them like I do....and yes I'm kidding!

She and I will continue to chat on Facebook. She is a very sweet gal! Although I do feel bad for her team mates. If she isn't on the court my girls stop watching the game. Plus if she even looks hurt my girls become very upset. I know they are going to be upset when she graduates. For me it doesn't matter because I'm quickly becoming addicted to women's basketball. Megan will always be our personal MVP but we will probably always enjoy the game. If anyone ever wants to go to a game with us let me know. We have a blast!

Sweet Tunes

2008-11-03T21:31:00.002-06:00

My daughter, Victoria, wasn't feeling too well in the car today. She asked me to sing to her but unfortunately my voice is really scratchy. I felt bad but just couldn't do it. So Cristina came to the rescue which actually shocked me! Unfortunately, Cristina is not typically the one filled with compassion. Yet she sang so sweetly tonight I wish I had the ability to record it. She sang songs she has learned at church and at chapel at school. Plus she sang some made up songs that I usually sing to them when they are sick. It was truly beautiful! By the time we got home both Victoria and I felt better!

Of course now I'm in bed completely exhausted. Yet as I think of that sweet music I can't help but smile again. It is no surprise that God loves it when we sing praises to Him. Music really has a way of bringing joy to the heart and health to our souls. I know He was smiling tonight too!

UofIA Women's Basketball

2008-11-01T14:43:00.003-05:00

One of our favorite things to do as a family is to go to the UofIA Women's Basketball games. The girls really enjoy the food and some of the game. It isn't too crowded so it is a safe environment for them. On a whim I looked up some of the players, on Facebook, and found Megan Skouby. She and I chatted for a bit. Cristina thinks that is SO COOL MOM! Yay, I'm a cool mom. I wonder how long that will last. Hopefully we will get pictures of the game tomorrow to post.

Dreams

2008-10-30T21:33:00.002-05:00

I was thinking about dreams....or maybe I was dreaming about thinking. Hmmm...now I'm not so sure exactly how it goes. Oh yeah I remember now! Curious to know about your dreams. Ever since the MOPS Convention there are some things brewing within my heart. One of them is to write. I think that is why I'm loving to blog. No purpose, no agenda, just full liberty in the written word. Is anyone gifted in grammar? I am working on a writing project that requires serious review. I tend to type the way I talk and I'z don't alwayz speech so goodly. :) Anyone interested? You never know when I become rich and famous I may dedicate my first novel to you! Either that or I'll give you 20% off of my first book.

Look at your hair!

2008-10-29T22:04:00.002-05:00

"Oh wow! Look at your hair!" That is the polite phrase my friend Lorrie uses whenever someone gets a haircut. It isn't a good comment or a bad one. So, you can't really tell if she likes it. But she is enthusiastic and smiling so it does build you up. She is GOOD! She's done it to me and I always feel great afterward even if I didn't like my haircut.

Today at work I had the same type of "Lorrie" smile and enthusiasm. A customer walked into Lemstone (the best Christian bookstore!), when she saw me she was so excited! She hugged me and for the life of me I had NO CLUE who she was. Her husband was smiling as she introduced me but I still couldn't place her. I quickly ran through my mental address book. I knew her voice but I couldn't remember her name. How embarrassing! After about 20 min. or so, I finally remembered her. Why didn't I just ask her what her name was at the beginning? Why go through all of that?

Ok...random thoughts in the middle of the week.

Pet Peeves

2008-10-27T08:56:00.002-05:00

Oh since today is a cold Monday morning I'm in a growly mood. Nothing too dangerous just in a mood. I told Travis, I want to blame it on the weather, society, PMS, bad carma, my upbringing, basically anything that would take the responsibility off of me! Now, I know some of you post the famous "Not Me" list. Today I wanted to try something different. What are your pet peeves? Not the things that make you mad but just small things that can cause irritation. Give me your top 5

5. I don't like a messy calendar. I get upset when I have to erase something or heaven forbid cross it out. Once it is in there it should stay there!

4. I don't like giving up the remote control! So, I usually keep it. My favorite feature is the mute button since I don't like commercials. But if someone else has it and my show starts again they better have the sound back on QUICK!

3. I cannot handle loud voices or high pitched noises. It really grinds on my teeth. Similar to fingernails on a chalkboard.

2. Sponges are gross! We use washable dish towels now. They are small and I can wash them as often as I like. Otherwise sponges get so nasty and I would be buying them constantly.

1. I have a very sensitive nose so people with bad breath or B.O. really effect me. I have at times gagged before because the scent is so strong. This is also true with sweet smelling flowers and perfumes. I'm too sensitive (hehe I'm sure Michael would silently agree!) and I can't handle it.

This is quite therapeutic and I feel better now! Ok it is your turn now Kim and Travis

It isn't fair!

2008-10-25T07:59:00.003-05:00

I'm sure no mom has ever heard those words before! I was really under the belief that my innocent, God fearing, sweet girls would never utter these words. Surely life would always go their way and they'd never have reason to complain. Well I heard them come from my little girl and she was mad! Her exact quote "It isn't fair! Victoria gets everything!!! She gets to miss school, she gets a cast, she gets to have x-rays at the dentist, plus she leaves school early again! MOM, it isn't fair!"

Oh my life is so hard. It is true I allowed Victoria to leave school early when she fractured her elbow. I let her to go to the pediatrician, the ER and the Ortho clinic. I let her have a check-up, x-rays and a cast. I also gave the dental hygienist permission to give her x-rays and a fluoride treatment. Plus as if that wasn't enough on Wednesday I let Victoria leave school at 9 am. Of course she had thrown up twice but that doesn't matter. My ulterior motive is to make Cristina's life difficult.

Life isn't fair! Should I let her know that this is just the beginning?!! After all, big sisters usually get everything. My sister always stayed up later. She got to drive first, wear make up first, and date first. She even got to go to school in Mexico. I know my parents must have loved her more. I'm sure that is why this happened to me, right?

Loser mom moment

2008-10-23T21:37:00.003-05:00

I had a loser mom moment recently. On Wednesday morning, Victoria woke up with a stomach ache. She didn't want any breakfast but of course I wanted her to eat a little something. I can't send her to school without breakfast, right? After a bit she perked up so, I dropped her and her sister off at school by 8:15 am. I came home and got ready for work. At 9 am I got a call from the school that Victoria has thrown up twice!

My friend, Terri, asked me if she'd eaten anything that may have caused it. Of course I said no because I wouldn't give her anything that would harm her. Well.....come to find out I unintentionally did. I keep cups of milk in the fridge for the girls. That way whenever they are thirsty they can get it themselves. Out of curiosity I took a sip of Victoria's milk. I almost gagged! Not sure how it happened but apparently she drank some sour milk. She never said it tasted bad!!!

So, my wisdom for moms...if your child has a stomach ache give them sour milk. That will purge their system! After all, Victoria was fine by 10:30 am so it must have worked. And yes I'm kidding!!! Lighten up people ;)

7 Things About Me

2008-10-23T21:23:00.003-05:00

Ok I haven't a clue how to write a link so I'm not tagging anyone else. By now all of you know the rules so I'm taking the short cut and not posting those either.

1. I love powdered donuts and popcorn. Although not at the same time. I could easily finish a box of donuts by myself or a bag of popcorn. I'll share but in very limited quantities.

2. I actually think I sing well. Too bad the acoustics are altered whenever someone else is nearby. If you could hear what I hear you'd be really impressed too!

3. I'm not sure how it started but our girls like making us breakfast in bed on Saturdays. I'm such a good mom that I let them! I also like letting my husband help them if needed.

4. I'm a rule follower. Usually I don't speed. I'd never go in the 10 items or less line at the grocery store if I had 11 items.

5. I can't stand shopping! Unless it is a book store I truly don't see the joy in walking the mall and window shop. It has to have a purpose and it better be quick.

6. I love to read a good mystery. The only bad thing is that once I start I have to finish it asap! It drives me nuts not to know the ending. I've gone without sleep just so I can finish a book.

7. I Love Lucy and The Flintstone's are my top two favorite shows that I grew up watching and I still watch! I have both shows Season 1 DVDs.

I'm drowning!

2008-10-23T09:44:00.002-05:00

Yikes! I'm drowning in a sea of Facebook friend requests, blog updates, regular emails and life in general. Help!!! Ok so I'm slightly exaggerating but my oh my. "Back in the day" of bbs life (which was about 15 years ago) I could carry on conversations with about 20 or more people and had no problem. I could post, talk and even eat a snack. Now I don't even understand half of the requests I'm getting. I have people writing on my wall, tagging me, and requesting to be my friend. Plus they keep multiplying at a VERY rapid rate.

I was quite excited the other day when I posted a picture hehehe Let me just say it is a sad day when my own husband requests to be my friend on Facebook and I'm not even sure what to do next. Of course, the obvious question is 'Do I want him as a friend?" mwahahaha Oh and now I get a 'relationship request' YIKES! At least it is from Michael!

I've been trying to limit my computer time but it isn't working. When we had dial-up it would take me forever to do something but that was only one or two tasks at a time. Now I'm on high speed but all that means is that I'm losing track of things faster than before. Does this ever end? I keep hearing how much fun this is supposed to be but I'm not getting that loving feeling.

Is this what happens when one gets old? Although according to a dear friend of mine "You know you are old when you become a middle school service project!" hahaha So I still have a few years left before that happens.

Seriously though I feel like I have taken a seven year break on computer games, lingo and such. So now I'm feeling overwhelmed. So if you tag me and I don't respond you'll know why. My biggest concern is that I'll be really addicted. Housework, family time, basic real life things are already taking a back seat. Where does one sign up for self-control? Could I set up a timer that would kick me offline?

The sweetest thing...

2008-10-21T09:20:00.003-05:00

Sounds odd to say but truly my heart is aflutter...is that even a word? I'm sure some school teachers will catch me on that one! But, I am having such a 'mom' moment and I can't stop smiling!

My 7 year old daughter, Victoria, has not really enjoyed reading. She'll do it but it is not one of her favorite things at all. She gets frustrated and gives up easily. I wish she could see the MAJOR improvements I've witnessed over the last few months. Anyway, yesterday morning she read a few parts from our devotional book at breakfast. Plus she joyfully read the prayer at the end. Her smile was amazing! She didn't get every word 100% right yet I could tell she loved reading it. I was speechless at first. Proud and thankful because God was so visible to me in that brief moment. (Oh and did you noticed I posted a picture!?? Whee! hehehehe)

Tutor needed!

2008-10-19T22:17:00.003-05:00

Help!
Wow...first time I've blogged two days in a row. Is this going to be my new addiction? Should I be concerned? Is this a result of having high speed? On dial up I never even considered blogging but now......hehehehe!
I do need help though. I know how to post and change some basic colors but that is about it. I want to post pictures, add Scripture and MAYBE get fancy and add music. Anyone up to the task? Let me know!

5 Things I Hate To Admit

2008-10-18T20:57:00.002-05:00

I've been tagged! Thanks Travis! Now I have to bare my soul via this blog? YIKES! 5 things, eh? Well hmmm.....I suppose confession is good for the soul.
Ok #5 - I'm a TV addict. When Without a Trace, Cold Case, Law & Order or the Amazing Race is on I purposely don't answer the phone. My kids better not have a need during that time either. I get very....shall we say...not nice. I don't like missing the opening scenes of any of those shows. I've (somewhat gently) tossed my kids a granola bar so I don't have to actually MAKE them something to eat during that time.
#4 - Clean freaks scare me! Yet some of them are my dearest friends. Sort of a contradiction. I'm FAR from a clean freak. Instead of cleaning a bit at a time I let it go until I get too overwhelmed and then I do nothing. Usually it takes company to come over before I'll actually clean. But then I get irritated at myself and anyone else nearby for letting it get so out of hand. So why do neat freaks scare me? Should be obvious I suppose. But it is because even when my home is clean I know it could be better. I am paranoid I'll be judged or criticized. Or worse they'll want to help. Usually they have far more energy than I do. :)
#3 - I can't stand being late! I don't speed (usually) but I race around the house and barking out orders. On school days I'm sure I've made my girls crazy getting out the door. On church days I'm sure if anyone eavesdropped I sound like a lunatic! Is it worth it? Obviously not but how does one break this habit?
#2 - hehehe Many times I've eavesdropped on conversations in Spanish. I admit I'm nosey. Every once in a while I freak them out by saying something in Spanish much later. Hehe

OK I gotta take a breath here...

#1 - ok the hardest one of all. I hate to admit that when I saw the movie Fireproof tonight (EXCELLENT movie!! A must see) I wanted to be the wife. A victim of her husbands selfish behavior. I wanted my husband to relate to the husband's character. To point out how I have felt sometimes. Well God doesn't usually work like that, right?! As the movie progressed and lost myself in the dialogue and the scenes I realized I'm selfish. I'm the one who has kept a score card. I keep saying I'm not doing that but I know down deep I am. I know I need to take The Love Dare. But, I also hate to admit that I don't want to! I want the results without the work. I'm sure nobody can relate to that.

ok that's enough therapy for one night

Hubby posts again!

2008-10-17T13:23:00.002-05:00

High Speed, Routers and blogs... OH MY!
OK, I had to sneak in again...
Well, I've been digging myself out of the avalanche of contacts and stuff over on Facebook. Thanks Carlos for the invite.
Anyone who has known me over the years knows that I have always kept as distant as possible when it comes to anything political. I've always had a bit off an "activist" attitude about the few things I was passionate about, but recently, I dunno, seems like ever since I turned 40, something has been unleashed in me. I've always 'wrote to my representatives', but now I'm writing them, and others, a LOT more. I've even dedicated one of my blogs to 'all things politics'. Oh, I'm not some crafty commentator or analyst (Stephanopoulos can sleep at nights on that one I guess). I mostly post the things that I get in my email that relate to the "issues at hand".
But to the first two items on this entry... We are now on day 3 of having high speed internet. It was so EASY to set up the cable modem. Man, save yourself a few bucks when you sign up for high speed, have them send you the "do-it-yourself" kit. If you can read, you can set up your system. I think even my wife could have done it!
Up to this point, I'd been relying on open wireless connections from various neighbors to get online at home with my laptop from work. But that has been getting progressively harder to do as more secure their wireless and others are just too far away to connect. So, yesterday, a wireless router I ordered came in and I set that up as well. It was about 1 am before I headed off to bed. No, it wasn't that hard, it was actually easier than the cable modem. But we had gotten home late, had to do the 'bed time routines' while Marcie was on a conference call and occupying the computer/high speed internet. So I used my work laptop to do the things I had to do. When Marcie FINALLY came down, I went up to install the wireless router and finish up a few other items in the office. Hence 1am bed time. Nevermind that I had committed to going to the Friday morning prayer @ 6 am!!!
And then I wonder why I don't have a lot of energy at work? OH MY...

Michael out...

One dream come true....

2008-10-16T22:45:00.002-05:00

One of my dreams has finally come true! We FINALLY have high speed internet at my house! Hooray! On dial up I could open up a file with an attachment, go make a sandwich, come back and it would still be loading. Some days I could even eat the sandwich, clean up, come back and it would still be loading. Now on high speed it is FAAAAAAAAST! So, no more snacks for me which could be a good thing.

I have been warned that now that I've crossed over I can never go back. I've already told my husband that I'd request more hours at work to pay for it if I had to because I'm never going back! He's fairly amused. I'm like a little kid with a new toy.

Hopefully I'll soon learn how to put pictures and music and such on here. But for now I'm having too much fun checking out sites I couldn't view before. As a matter of fact I JUST learned that my friend Travis' blog has music. Before, on dial up, I kept hearing something but didn't even realize it was supposed to be a real song!

Hubby posts one...

2008-10-01T22:01:00.000-05:00

OK, Marcie is away at her MOPS convention so I thought I'd help her kick this thing off finally. ;-)
As any MOPS family knows, now through Sunday is the time when Mom gets to go off and play while Dad stays home and plays 'Single Dad'.
The last week has been interesting. Marcie fretting about what she was going to talk about for her presentation she will make, what to pack, which suitcase(s) to use, will she have enough room to shop at the MOPShop, will there be enough room for books, will her suitcase weigh too much for the trip home, how much will she have to pay for over weight baggage, etc...
But we finally got her packed last night and she went to bed around 10:00pm I think it was.
She then got up around 3:00am (I think) and took the little car up to Cedar Rapids and parked in long-term parking as we had planned. She then called and left a message at work to tell me (sort of) where she parked so I could find it when I went to get the car home again.
This morning went well, but I was concerned when Cristina woke up early, made a beeline for our bedroom and proceeded to cry because she missed mommy. ACK! Mommy hadn't been gone for more than 3 hours and our baby was having separation issues! I wasn't sure I could cope with this already! I held her and reassured her that this time would go quickly enough.
Luckily I've done this stint before so I am not completely lost when it comes to getting the girls to school.
I got them up, dressed, fed, lunches packed, teeth brushed, hair brushed, back packs packed and then dropped off at school.
After school they went to the Buser's house until I got off work.
From there, we came home, waited for David to come over so he could come with us to go get the car.
After we got up to the airport and found the car, it wasn't so hard to find after all, all four of us went to the A&W and had supper, my treat.
We came home, David went home, the girls got their PJs on, we read stories, said prayers and off to bed they went.
So now, I'm watching my Bug Bunny DVDs while doing some computer work and writing on my wife's blog. It only took me 4 tries to remember her password!
So, now those of you who want something more on Marcie's blog to read, here you go.
Now it will be her turn to crank something out. Who knows, maybe with pictures?
That may depend on how soon I get us set up with high speed. :-/

God bless to all and to all a good night!

And we're off....

2008-08-15T00:27:00.000-05:00

Ok so here it is...my first post
Exciting, isn't it? Hopefully things will pick up as I learn more and more.
No big announcements right now other than school starts on Monday! The girls are sort-of excited. They miss their friends but love playing all day. It will be difficult for all of us to enter the routine that school demands.
The other big thing is that I begin working at Lemstone Books at CoralRidge Mall on Wed. Aug 20th. You can look for me there every Monday and Wednesday morning during school hours. So stop by and say hi!

Journey To Health

Sinking Ship

Clean Sweep!

I'm Overwhelmed - Part II

I'm overwhelmed!

Babysitter needed

Broken beyond repair?

You NEVER Let Go!

Where'd I Go?

Celebrating the Beauty Within

What Defines You?

Sometimes forgetting is a GOOD thing!

Live Loved!

Keep Breathing!

NEVER say never

Wait vs Weight

May I Have This Dance?

STOP The Insanity!

Calories, Carbs and Fat....Oh My!

I don't wanna!

Did *I* do that?

Happy New Year!

Oops!

Addiction

All Good Things....

Johnson Farm

Roller Coaster Ride Comes To An End.....Finally!

Recent conversations

Go Ye Mighty Pumas!

Pure in Heart

Marine storms local home

The Sap Runneth Over

Bowling Frenzy & Fun!

Sweet 7!

Ice Capades Training

Go Galaxy!

Dinner with Chicks

Operation Clean Sweep!

Where's your buddy?

Striking at 70!

MD Arrival!

Still Winter...Still Getting Away

Winter Getaway

Cleaning Frenzy

Nuggets 8 Other Team 20

Back to School

Dancing the Holiday away!

2009?

89 and still having fun!

Roughing it

Mourning the loss....

Show & Tell Success!

WHERE was the video camera???

Mourning the loss......of FIVE fingernails!

Great Nani

I'm NEVER washing my hand again!

Sweet Tunes

UofIA Women's Basketball

Dreams

Look at your hair!

Pet Peeves

It isn't fair!

Loser mom moment

7 Things About Me

I'm drowning!

The sweetest thing...

Tutor needed!

5 Things I Hate To Admit

Hubby posts again!

One dream come true....

Hubby posts one...

And we're off....

Did I do that?